Dad jokes

[tower912]

Lean in.  Embrace the groan.  The worse the better.  Let 'em fly.

I was fired from the orange juice cannery because I couldn't concentrate.

I didn't feel like cutting the grass.  I lacked mow-tivation.

In the rainy pacific northwest, there was a neighborhood always competing to see who could get the latest stretchy gore-tex.  Except one neighbor, Rudolph, who didn't have any money.   So they never let poor Rudolph play in any raingear games.

[tower912]

When it comes to buy games at the AL, I can go either way.

[Scoop Snoop]

Paddy O'Malley has a great job in Dublin. He has over 3oo people under him. He mows the grass in the graveyard.

[tower912]

Bono and the Edge walk into a pub.  The bartender looks up and says 'oh, no, not you two again.'

[Dickthedribbler]

Patient is experiencing some rectal discomfort so he visits his doctor. Doctor examines him and advises that he MAY have an abscess that might need to be drained. The  following exchange takes place:

DOC: tell me, when you pass gas, does it make 
         an unusual sound, huun--da, huuun--da,
         like a motorcycle accelerating or
         someone clearing their throat, huuunda?

PATIENT: YES, Doc, YES, that's it. When I pass
                  gas, I hear huundaa, hunnda. Is this
                  serious??

DOC: OH my, no.We here in the medical
           community refer to it as abscess
           making the fart go honda.

[TAMU, Knower of Ball]

Did you hear about the diminutive psychic who broke out of prison? There's a small medium at large!

What can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because its p is silent

[Scoop Snoop]

I read about some zoologists who artificially inseminated an elephant with sperm from a rhino. The offspring will be interesting, but exactly what will it be called.?  Hell if I know.

[jutaw22mu]

What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards?  A receding hare line.

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?  A trophy.

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.

[ZiggysFryBoy]

What can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because its p is silent

Somebody got a father's day card this year.   

[Pakuni]

What's the scariest plant in the forest?
Bam-BOO!

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.

[tower912]

I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.

Good trade.

[Jay Bee]

I hate when people come to my house and tell me I need to be saved or else I’ll burn. Effin firemen

[tower912]

Bravo.

[Warrior Code]

I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.

Good trade.

Similarly:

I saw a sign that said "watch for children." I'll miss the kids but this Rolex is really quite nice 

[tower912]

I found a restaurant that serves the best baked egg dishes, but I won't say where.


I don't quiche and tell.

[4everwarriors]

Fahrenheit, shouldn't have quit yo dey job, hey?

[Lennys Tap]

I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.

Good trade.

Here’s how I heard that one:

President Clinton goes to the Arkansas/Texas football game. After an Arkansas victory he returns to Washington where, as a result of a bet with the governor of Texas, he deplanes with a live razorback pig under his arm. Sharing a salute with the Marine on the tarmac, he excitedly exclaims, “Look what I got for Hillary!” Under his breath the Marine replies, “Nice trade, sir.”

[lawdog77]

I found a restaurant that serves the best baked egg dishes, but I won't say where.


I don't quiche and tell.

You're on fire with these dad jokes, Tower

[tower912]

What do you call an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

A person who lies awake at night pondering whether or not there really is a dog.

[tower912]

All the ladies are horny for Kenny G.

A lotta sax appeal.

[tower912]

The laptop that was on that Titanic explorer?


A Dell.   Rollin in the deep.

[Jay Bee]

The new neighbor is a beauty and has been sunbathing topless in her yard. My girlfriend gets pissed off about it, but me… well, I’m on the fence. 

[BrewCity83]

This one from Soul Asylum's Dave Pirner at Friday's Summerfest show:

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

[tower912]

How many ND alum does it take to change a lightbulb?    One.   They hold it in place and the world revolves around them.   

[rocket surgeon]

  my buddy hates when i shorten his name to dick...especially since his name is steve

  tell any new parent not to go for the cheap circumcisions because they're usually rips offs

[muwarrior69]

What's the scariest plant in the forest?
Bam-BOO!

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.

Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
From climbing trees.

[Lennys Tap]

How many ND alum does it take to change a lightbulb?    One.   They hold it in place and the world revolves around them.

Different take:Q - How many Domers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 30 - 1 to change it, 29 to reminisce about what a wonderful experience it was.

[StillAWarrior]

How many ND alum does it take to change a lightbulb?    One.   They hold it in place and the world revolves around them.

How can you tell someone is an ND alum? Don't worry, they'll mention it.

[tower912]

How can you tell someone is an ND alum? Don't worry, they'll mention it.

How can you tell if someone is a vegan?  No need, they'll tell you.

[StillAWarrior]

How can you tell if someone is a vegan?  No need, they'll tell you.

And tell you...and tell you...ad infinitum.

[tower912]

How did Darth Vader know what Luke.got him for Christmas?


He could feel his presence.

[tower912]

Hey, about those recent attacks by killer whales on boats.....

Do you think they were orca-strated?

[tower912]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/0428ajVo9-E

[tower912]

I decided to marry two women.

I thought it was pretty big o' me.

[Scoop Snoop]

So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....

[Dickthedribbler]

So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....

Was that the same dyslexic atheist who didn't believe in dog?

[muwarrior69]

Was that the same dyslexic atheist who didn't believe in dog?

No, but he did name his dog OTTO and his favorite rock band is ABBA.

[Scoop Snoop]

No, but he did name his dog OTTO and his favorite rock band is ABBA.

So. three termites walk into a bar and one of them asks "Is the bartender here?"

[Dickthedribbler]

So. three termites walk into a bar and one of them asks "Is the bartender here?"

So, a tough looking pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says: "alright, I'll serve you guys. Just don't start anything."

[Scoop Snoop]

So, these three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. THAT can't be a coincidence.

[tower912]

I learned how to sew buttons on and I can sew up a seam.   But I never learned how to sew socks, darn it!

[Scoop Snoop]

I learned how to sew buttons on and I can sew up a seam.   But I never learned how to sew socks, darn it!

So?

[tower912]

Cooking show host to contestant, 'aren't you worried about only being known for your.creamy sauces?'


No.  I am no al fredo that.




The giant goldfish are usually more social than this.   They must be feeling coy.

[tower912]

How is Hurricane Lee hitting New England like the latest Star Wars offering from Disney?


It is Ahsoka.

[tower912]

There was a lot of debate, discussion, and arguing when, deep in the mine, they found a vein of rock that, when refined, became an old school anesthetic.



It was an ether ore question.

[tower912]

An anonymous benefactor has been putting autumnal blossoms out all over the neighborhood.   We'll, somebody knows who is doing this but they're not talking.

Mums the word.

[Lennys Tap]

A dead man’s soul ascends into heaven. St Peter is at the gates to confirm that the deceased has led an exemplary life.

St Peter: “Your reward awaits - a special place in heaven has been prepared for you! By the way, where did you live while on earth?

Dead Man: “Naples, Florida”

St Peter: “Er, um, I’m not so sure you’re gonna like it here”

[Lennys Tap]

A singer/guitar player is entertaining a crowd at an outdoor cafe. After playing a request, he asks the customer “Where are you from?” “Naples”, replies the customer. “Ah, Naples” say the singer. “That’s where old people’s parents live!”

[tower912]

Who was the first person to download from the cloud using a tablet?




Moses.

[tower912]

Why is everyone always so excited on Christmas morning?


Because there is no time like the present.

[Not A Serious Person]

Legit story…


Archaeology students found dad jokes from Ancient Rome
https://www.npr.org/2023/04/01/1167432458/archaeology-students-found-dad-jokes-from-ancient-rome

[tower912]

My son plays the trombone and bass and therefore learned to read all of the bass notes.   He is in a musical this year and it turns out he is a tenor.   He is struggling to learn the treble notes.   Will he figure it out in time?  Tune in next week to find out!

This is called a clef hanger.

It's a little known fact, Normie, that the notes are different.

That is a clef Claven

[tower912]

What Christmas Carol do they play on a mental ward?



Do you hear what I hear?

[muwarrior69]

What Christmas Carol do they play on a mental ward?



Do you hear what I hear?

...and, do you see what I see.


Rocket Surgeon's favorite hymn has to be:

Drum role, Crown Him with many Crowns.

[tower912]

What is the title of the physician who has to be available for any and all extreme emergencies over the weekend?


The on-call-ogist.

[tower912]

My daughter's dog got infested with little biting insects while visiting her future in-laws over the holiday.  (true!)   Driving back to Baltimore from SC, they stopped by the side of the road so the dog could get out and have a really good scratch.

So she got fleas pullovers for Christmas.

[Scoop Snoop]

My father always said that when one door closes, another opens. He was a wise man.... but a terrible cabinetmaker.

[tower912]

He who lives by the tort dies by the tort.
Or....
He lives by the torte dies by the torte.

[tower912]

In Saudi Arabia, one of the lesser princes is in charge of all of the charcuterie platters.



He is the tray sheik.

[Lennys Tap]

In Saudi Arabia, one of the lesser princes is in charge of all of the charcuterie platters.



He is the tray sheik.

Studied under Sheik Yer Booti

[tower912]

If Herman Melville were alive today and writing about scoop, he would only have to change his titles slightly.

Typo
O-MU
Mopey Dick

[tower912]

When it comes to making tea properly,

There is a steep learning curve.

[pbiflyer]

You know, not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

But that's how Julius Caesar.

[tower912]

With open house/graduation season upon us, many will be reaching out to neighbors to see who has additional place settings, Tupperware, cutlery, etc.   Get it in writing.

Call it an extra dish-n treaty.

[Scoop Snoop]

My neighbor asked me if I could give him a reference to a good septic cleaning company. I did so. Then he made the mistake of asking if we were happy with the work. Yes...really!

I texted that we were very happy with his service. I said he did a really crappy job, which was just what we wanted. I also said that we were the second job that day, so we were #2 on his list. Lastly, I added that the man was flushed with pride in a job well done.