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Author Topic: Dad jokes  (Read 3689 times)

tower912

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Dad jokes
« on: July 05, 2023, 05:39:13 AM »
Lean in.  Embrace the groan.  The worse the better.  Let 'em fly.

I was fired from the orange juice cannery because I couldn't concentrate.

I didn't feel like cutting the grass.  I lacked mow-tivation.

In the rainy pacific northwest, there was a neighborhood always competing to see who could get the latest stretchy gore-tex.  Except one neighbor, Rudolph, who didn't have any money.   So they never let poor Rudolph play in any raingear games.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2023, 06:39:58 AM »
When it comes to buy games at the AL, I can go either way.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

Scoop Snoop

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2023, 08:58:35 AM »
Paddy O'Malley has a great job in Dublin. He has over 3oo people under him. He mows the grass in the graveyard.
Wild horses couldn't drag me into either political party, but for very different reasons.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2023, 12:52:34 PM »
Bono and the Edge walk into a pub.  The bartender looks up and says 'oh, no, not you two again.'
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

Dickthedribbler

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2023, 01:14:47 PM »
Patient is experiencing some rectal discomfort so he visits his doctor. Doctor examines him and advises that he MAY have an abscess that might need to be drained. The  following exchange takes place:

DOC: tell me, when you pass gas, does it make 
         an unusual sound, huun--da, huuun--da,
         like a motorcycle accelerating or
         someone clearing their throat, huuunda?

PATIENT: YES, Doc, YES, that's it. When I pass
                  gas, I hear huundaa, hunnda. Is this
                  serious??

DOC: OH my, no.We here in the medical
           community refer to it as abscess
           making the fart go honda.

TAMU, Knower of Ball

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2023, 01:07:53 AM »
Did you hear about the diminutive psychic who broke out of prison? There's a small medium at large!

What can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because its p is silent
TAMU

I do know, Newsie is right on you knowing ball.


Scoop Snoop

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2023, 08:06:01 AM »
I read about some zoologists who artificially inseminated an elephant with sperm from a rhino. The offspring will be interesting, but exactly what will it be called.?  Hell if I know.
« Last Edit: July 06, 2023, 08:14:07 AM by Scoop Snoop »
Wild horses couldn't drag me into either political party, but for very different reasons.

jutaw22mu

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2023, 10:32:08 AM »
What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards?  A receding hare line.

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?  A trophy.

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.

ZiggysFryBoy

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2023, 10:51:56 AM »

What can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because its p is silent

Somebody got a father's day card this year.   ;D

Pakuni

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2023, 11:02:23 AM »
What's the scariest plant in the forest?
Bam-BOO!

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2023, 05:59:31 AM »
I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.

Good trade.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

Jay Bee

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2023, 06:11:07 AM »
I hate when people come to my house and tell me I need to be saved or else I’ll burn. Effin firemen

Thanks for ruining summer, Canada.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #12 on: July 07, 2023, 06:26:31 AM »
Bravo.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

Warrior Code

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #13 on: July 07, 2023, 10:16:41 AM »
I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.

Good trade.

Similarly:

I saw a sign that said "watch for children." I'll miss the kids but this Rolex is really quite nice 
Signature:
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tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2023, 07:43:10 PM »
I found a restaurant that serves the best baked egg dishes, but I won't say where.


I don't quiche and tell.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

4everwarriors

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #15 on: July 09, 2023, 07:48:17 PM »
Fahrenheit, shouldn't have quit yo dey job, hey?
"Give 'Em Hell, Al"

Lennys Tap

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #16 on: July 09, 2023, 09:38:12 PM »
I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.

Good trade.

Here’s how I heard that one:

President Clinton goes to the Arkansas/Texas football game. After an Arkansas victory he returns to Washington where, as a result of a bet with the governor of Texas, he deplanes with a live razorback pig under his arm. Sharing a salute with the Marine on the tarmac, he excitedly exclaims, “Look what I got for Hillary!” Under his breath the Marine replies, “Nice trade, sir.”

lawdog77

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2023, 05:13:22 AM »
I found a restaurant that serves the best baked egg dishes, but I won't say where.


I don't quiche and tell.
You're on fire with these dad jokes, Tower

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #18 on: July 10, 2023, 06:31:32 AM »
What do you call an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

A person who lies awake at night pondering whether or not there really is a dog.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2023, 11:01:37 AM »
All the ladies are horny for Kenny G.

A lotta sax appeal.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #20 on: July 10, 2023, 11:38:13 AM »
The laptop that was on that Titanic explorer?


A Dell.   Rollin in the deep.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

Jay Bee

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #21 on: July 10, 2023, 12:03:36 PM »
The new neighbor is a beauty and has been sunbathing topless in her yard. My girlfriend gets pissed off about it, but me… well, I’m on the fence. 
Thanks for ruining summer, Canada.

BrewCity83

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #22 on: July 10, 2023, 04:46:35 PM »
This one from Soul Asylum's Dave Pirner at Friday's Summerfest show:

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
The shaka sign, sometimes known as "hang loose", is a gesture of friendly intent often associated with Hawaii and surf culture.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #23 on: July 12, 2023, 02:26:51 PM »
How many ND alum does it take to change a lightbulb?    One.   They hold it in place and the world revolves around them.   
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

rocket surgeon

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #24 on: July 12, 2023, 02:50:02 PM »
  my buddy hates when i shorten his name to dick...especially since his name is steve

  tell any new parent not to go for the cheap circumcisions because they're usually rips offs
don't...don't don't don't don't

muwarrior69

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #25 on: July 12, 2023, 03:17:51 PM »
What's the scariest plant in the forest?
Bam-BOO!

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.

Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
From climbing trees.

Lennys Tap

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #26 on: July 12, 2023, 04:13:46 PM »
How many ND alum does it take to change a lightbulb?    One.   They hold it in place and the world revolves around them.

Different take:Q - How many Domers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 30 - 1 to change it, 29 to reminisce about what a wonderful experience it was.

StillAWarrior

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #27 on: July 12, 2023, 04:53:32 PM »
How many ND alum does it take to change a lightbulb?    One.   They hold it in place and the world revolves around them.

How can you tell someone is an ND alum? Don't worry, they'll mention it.
Never wrestle with a pig.  You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #28 on: July 12, 2023, 04:55:53 PM »
How can you tell someone is an ND alum? Don't worry, they'll mention it.
How can you tell if someone is a vegan?  No need, they'll tell you.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

StillAWarrior

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #29 on: July 12, 2023, 04:58:55 PM »
How can you tell if someone is a vegan?  No need, they'll tell you.

And tell you...and tell you...ad infinitum.
Never wrestle with a pig.  You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #30 on: July 14, 2023, 06:59:36 AM »
How did Darth Vader know what Luke.got him for Christmas?


He could feel his presence.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #31 on: July 17, 2023, 05:11:05 PM »
Hey, about those recent attacks by killer whales on boats.....

Do you think they were orca-strated?
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #32 on: July 27, 2023, 02:48:12 PM »
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #33 on: August 20, 2023, 04:36:27 PM »
I decided to marry two women.

I thought it was pretty big o' me.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

Scoop Snoop

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #34 on: September 01, 2023, 10:05:28 AM »
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....
Wild horses couldn't drag me into either political party, but for very different reasons.

Dickthedribbler

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #35 on: September 01, 2023, 10:31:24 AM »
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....

Was that the same dyslexic atheist who didn't believe in dog?

muwarrior69

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #36 on: September 01, 2023, 01:21:38 PM »
Was that the same dyslexic atheist who didn't believe in dog?

No, but he did name his dog OTTO and his favorite rock band is ABBA.

Scoop Snoop

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #37 on: September 02, 2023, 12:29:46 PM »
No, but he did name his dog OTTO and his favorite rock band is ABBA.

So. three termites walk into a bar and one of them asks "Is the bartender here?"

Wild horses couldn't drag me into either political party, but for very different reasons.

Dickthedribbler

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #38 on: September 02, 2023, 04:17:33 PM »
So. three termites walk into a bar and one of them asks "Is the bartender here?"

So, a tough looking pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says: "alright, I'll serve you guys. Just don't start anything."

Scoop Snoop

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #39 on: September 02, 2023, 05:42:07 PM »
So, these three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. THAT can't be a coincidence.
Wild horses couldn't drag me into either political party, but for very different reasons.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #40 on: September 06, 2023, 06:19:29 AM »
I learned how to sew buttons on and I can sew up a seam.   But I never learned how to sew socks, darn it!
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

Scoop Snoop

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #41 on: September 06, 2023, 08:32:43 AM »
I learned how to sew buttons on and I can sew up a seam.   But I never learned how to sew socks, darn it!

So?
Wild horses couldn't drag me into either political party, but for very different reasons.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #42 on: September 09, 2023, 05:17:04 PM »
Cooking show host to contestant, 'aren't you worried about only being known for your.creamy sauces?'


No.  I am no al fredo that.




The giant goldfish are usually more social than this.   They must be feeling coy.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #43 on: September 16, 2023, 07:25:12 PM »
How is Hurricane Lee hitting New England like the latest Star Wars offering from Disney?


It is Ahsoka.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #44 on: September 24, 2023, 06:13:55 PM »
There was a lot of debate, discussion, and arguing when, deep in the mine, they found a vein of rock that, when refined, became an old school anesthetic.



It was an ether ore question.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #45 on: October 21, 2023, 07:13:46 PM »
An anonymous benefactor has been putting autumnal blossoms out all over the neighborhood.   We'll, somebody knows who is doing this but they're not talking.

Mums the word.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

Lennys Tap

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #46 on: October 21, 2023, 08:03:33 PM »
A dead man’s soul ascends into heaven. St Peter is at the gates to confirm that the deceased has led an exemplary life.

St Peter: “Your reward awaits - a special place in heaven has been prepared for you! By the way, where did you live while on earth?

Dead Man: “Naples, Florida”

St Peter: “Er, um, I’m not so sure you’re gonna like it here”

Lennys Tap

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #47 on: October 21, 2023, 08:10:14 PM »
A singer/guitar player is entertaining a crowd at an outdoor cafe. After playing a request, he asks the customer “Where are you from?” “Naples”, replies the customer. “Ah, Naples” say the singer. “That’s where old people’s parents live!”

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #48 on: November 20, 2023, 02:49:07 PM »
Who was the first person to download from the cloud using a tablet?




Moses.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #49 on: December 03, 2023, 08:22:32 AM »
Why is everyone always so excited on Christmas morning?


Because there is no time like the present.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

Not A Serious Person

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #50 on: December 03, 2023, 09:35:19 AM »
Legit story…


Archaeology students found dad jokes from Ancient Rome
https://www.npr.org/2023/04/01/1167432458/archaeology-students-found-dad-jokes-from-ancient-rome
Western Progressives have one worldview, the correct one.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #51 on: December 08, 2023, 06:45:14 AM »
My son plays the trombone and bass and therefore learned to read all of the bass notes.   He is in a musical this year and it turns out he is a tenor.   He is struggling to learn the treble notes.   Will he figure it out in time?  Tune in next week to find out!

This is called a clef hanger.

It's a little known fact, Normie, that the notes are different.

That is a clef Claven
« Last Edit: December 08, 2023, 07:11:21 AM by tower912 »
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #52 on: December 21, 2023, 09:08:52 AM »
What Christmas Carol do they play on a mental ward?



Do you hear what I hear?
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

muwarrior69

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #53 on: December 21, 2023, 04:45:40 PM »
What Christmas Carol do they play on a mental ward?



Do you hear what I hear?

...and, do you see what I see.


Rocket Surgeon's favorite hymn has to be:

Drum role, Crown Him with many Crowns.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #54 on: December 27, 2023, 06:44:31 AM »
What is the title of the physician who has to be available for any and all extreme emergencies over the weekend?


The on-call-ogist.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #55 on: December 27, 2023, 07:08:10 AM »
My daughter's dog got infested with little biting insects while visiting her future in-laws over the holiday.  (true!)   Driving back to Baltimore from SC, they stopped by the side of the road so the dog could get out and have a really good scratch.

So she got fleas pullovers for Christmas.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

Scoop Snoop

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #56 on: January 08, 2024, 03:00:23 PM »
My father always said that when one door closes, another opens. He was a wise man.... but a terrible cabinetmaker.
Wild horses couldn't drag me into either political party, but for very different reasons.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #57 on: January 27, 2024, 07:15:37 AM »
He who lives by the tort dies by the tort.
Or....
He lives by the torte dies by the torte.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

tower912

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #58 on: February 03, 2024, 10:43:07 AM »
In Saudi Arabia, one of the lesser princes is in charge of all of the charcuterie platters.



He is the tray sheik.
Luke 6:45   ...A good man produces goodness from the good in his heart; an evil man produces evil out of his store of evil.   Each man speaks from his heart's abundance...

It is better to be fearless and cheerful than cheerless and fearful.

Lennys Tap

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Re: Dad jokes
« Reply #59 on: February 03, 2024, 03:49:23 PM »
In Saudi Arabia, one of the lesser princes is in charge of all of the charcuterie platters.



He is the tray sheik.

Studied under Sheik Yer Booti

 

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