Author Topic: Dad jokes (Read 4374 times)

tower912 · « **on:** July 05, 2023, 05:39:13 AM »

Lean in. Embrace the groan. The worse the better. Let 'em fly.

I was fired from the orange juice cannery because I couldn't concentrate.

I didn't feel like cutting the grass. I lacked mow-tivation.

In the rainy pacific northwest, there was a neighborhood always competing to see who could get the latest stretchy gore-tex. Except one neighbor, Rudolph, who didn't have any money. So they never let poor Rudolph play in any raingear games.

tower912 · « **Reply #1 on:** July 05, 2023, 06:39:58 AM »

When it comes to buy games at the AL, I can go either way.

Scoop Snoop · « **Reply #2 on:** July 05, 2023, 08:58:35 AM »

Paddy O'Malley has a great job in Dublin. He has over 3oo people under him. He mows the grass in the graveyard.

tower912 · « **Reply #3 on:** July 05, 2023, 12:52:34 PM »

Bono and the Edge walk into a pub. The bartender looks up and says 'oh, no, not you two again.'

Dickthedribbler · « **Reply #4 on:** July 05, 2023, 01:14:47 PM »

Patient is experiencing some rectal discomfort so he visits his doctor. Doctor examines him and advises that he MAY have an abscess that might need to be drained. The following exchange takes place:

DOC: tell me, when you pass gas, does it make
an unusual sound, huun--da, huuun--da,
like a motorcycle accelerating or
someone clearing their throat, huuunda?

PATIENT: YES, Doc, YES, that's it. When I pass
gas, I hear huundaa, hunnda. Is this
serious??

DOC: OH my, no.We here in the medical
community refer to it as abscess
making the fart go honda.

TAMU, Knower of Ball · « **Reply #5 on:** July 06, 2023, 01:07:53 AM »

Did you hear about the diminutive psychic who broke out of prison? There's a small medium at large!

What can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because its p is silent

Scoop Snoop · « **Reply #6 on:** July 06, 2023, 08:06:01 AM »

I read about some zoologists who artificially inseminated an elephant with sperm from a rhino. The offspring will be interesting, but exactly what will it be called.? Hell if I know.

jutaw22mu · « **Reply #7 on:** July 06, 2023, 10:32:08 AM »

What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.

ZiggysFryBoy · « **Reply #8 on:** July 06, 2023, 10:51:56 AM »

Quote from: TAMU, Knower of Ball on July 06, 2023, 01:07:53 AM

What can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because its p is silent

Somebody got a father's day card this year.

Pakuni · « **Reply #9 on:** July 06, 2023, 11:02:23 AM »

What's the scariest plant in the forest?
Bam-BOO!

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.

tower912 · « **Reply #10 on:** July 07, 2023, 05:59:31 AM »

I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.

Good trade.

Jay Bee · « **Reply #11 on:** July 07, 2023, 06:11:07 AM »

I hate when people come to my house and tell me I need to be saved or else I’ll burn. Effin firemen

tower912 · « **Reply #12 on:** July 07, 2023, 06:26:31 AM »

Bravo.

Warrior Code · « **Reply #13 on:** July 07, 2023, 10:16:41 AM »

Quote from: tower912 on July 07, 2023, 05:59:31 AM

I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.

Good trade.

Similarly:

I saw a sign that said "watch for children." I'll miss the kids but this Rolex is really quite nice

tower912 · « **Reply #14 on:** July 09, 2023, 07:43:10 PM »

I found a restaurant that serves the best baked egg dishes, but I won't say where.

I don't quiche and tell.

4everwarriors · « **Reply #15 on:** July 09, 2023, 07:48:17 PM »

Fahrenheit, shouldn't have quit yo dey job, hey?

Lennys Tap · « **Reply #16 on:** July 09, 2023, 09:38:12 PM »

Quote from: tower912 on July 07, 2023, 05:59:31 AM

I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.

Good trade.

Here’s how I heard that one:

President Clinton goes to the Arkansas/Texas football game. After an Arkansas victory he returns to Washington where, as a result of a bet with the governor of Texas, he deplanes with a live razorback pig under his arm. Sharing a salute with the Marine on the tarmac, he excitedly exclaims, “Look what I got for Hillary!” Under his breath the Marine replies, “Nice trade, sir.”

lawdog77 · « **Reply #17 on:** July 10, 2023, 05:13:22 AM »

Quote from: tower912 on July 09, 2023, 07:43:10 PM

I found a restaurant that serves the best baked egg dishes, but I won't say where.

I don't quiche and tell.

You're on fire with these dad jokes, Tower

tower912 · « **Reply #18 on:** July 10, 2023, 06:31:32 AM »

What do you call an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

A person who lies awake at night pondering whether or not there really is a dog.

tower912 · « **Reply #19 on:** July 10, 2023, 11:01:37 AM »

All the ladies are horny for Kenny G.

A lotta sax appeal.

tower912 · « **Reply #20 on:** July 10, 2023, 11:38:13 AM »

The laptop that was on that Titanic explorer?

A Dell. Rollin in the deep.

Jay Bee · « **Reply #21 on:** July 10, 2023, 12:03:36 PM »

The new neighbor is a beauty and has been sunbathing topless in her yard. My girlfriend gets pissed off about it, but me… well, I’m on the fence.

BrewCity83 · « **Reply #22 on:** July 10, 2023, 04:46:35 PM »

This one from Soul Asylum's Dave Pirner at Friday's Summerfest show:

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

tower912 · « **Reply #23 on:** July 12, 2023, 02:26:51 PM »

How many ND alum does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They hold it in place and the world revolves around them.

rocket surgeon · « **Reply #24 on:** July 12, 2023, 02:50:02 PM »

my buddy hates when i shorten his name to dick...especially since his name is steve

tell any new parent not to go for the cheap circumcisions because they're usually rips offs

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Author Topic: Dad jokes (Read 4374 times)