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Author Topic: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight  (Read 33188 times)

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #150 on: February 20, 2019, 07:45:33 PM »
A gorgeous blonde is driving towards Pensacola in her Maserati when the car breaks down. Fortunately, she happens to be near a house shared by naval aviators.

When she knocks on the door a Navy Captain answers and invites her in.

She tells the senior Naval Officer that, "it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "

"Well," drawls the grizzled navy man, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my two young JO's, Jed and Luke. They are studying for a check ride in the morning."

The voluptuous blonde looks into the room and sees two young men standing behind the salty Navy Captain. She judges them to be in their early twenties.

"Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two junior Navy men in the room next to her. They are clearly not very bright, but they are handsome. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts the condoms on the nervous young naval aviators, and the three of them end up going at it all night long.

Four years later Jed and Luke are sitting in the Squadron Ready Room on board an aircraft carrier, somewhere in the Indian Ocean.

Jed asks, "Luke?"

"Yeah, Jed?"

"You remember that blonde woman about four years ago who showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Lennys Tap

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #151 on: February 22, 2019, 01:00:47 PM »
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. Soon thereafter a construction crew turned up and started building a home on the lot.

The family's 4 year old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the crew more or less "adopted"her as kind of a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little odd jobs to make her feel important.

And at the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope with $10 in it.

The little girl took the money home to her Mom, who suggested they take her "pay" to the bank and open a savings account.

The teller at the bank was very impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn a paycheck. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a construction crew building the house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness", replied the teller, "that is wonderful!Will you be working on the house again next week?"

"I will", replied the little girl, If those a$$holes at Home Depot deliver the unnatural carnal knowledge!ng drywall!"

Benny B

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #152 on: February 22, 2019, 03:03:54 PM »
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. Soon thereafter a construction crew turned up and started building a home on the lot.

The family's 4 year old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the crew more or less "adopted"her as kind of a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little odd jobs to make her feel important.

And at the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope with $10 in it.

The little girl took the money home to her Mom, who suggested they take her "pay" to the bank and open a savings account.

The teller at the bank was very impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn a paycheck. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a construction crew building the house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness", replied the teller, "that is wonderful!Will you be working on the house again next week?"

"I will", replied the little girl, If those a$$holes at Home Depot deliver the unnatural carnal knowledge!ng drywall!"

That one is a keeper.  Imma gonna use that one tonight.
Wow, I'm very concerned for Benny.  Being able to mimic Myron Medcalf's writing so closely implies an oncoming case of dementia.

Lennys Tap

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #153 on: February 23, 2019, 09:57:16 PM »
That one is a keeper.  Imma gonna use that one tonight.

Hope it went over well. It's one of a handful of old standbys that I can still tell without fear of reprisals.

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #154 on: April 11, 2019, 10:16:23 AM »
What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish Highlander?

Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get offa my cloud'

The Scottish Highlander says 'Hey, MacLeod, get offa my ewe!'


rocket surgeon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #155 on: April 11, 2019, 06:54:59 PM »
here'show they start a narrative north of the mason-dixon-

   "once upon a time..."

here's how they start a narrative south of the mason-dixon-

   "ya'll ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."