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Author Topic: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight  (Read 37621 times)

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #150 on: February 20, 2019, 07:45:33 PM »
A gorgeous blonde is driving towards Pensacola in her Maserati when the car breaks down. Fortunately, she happens to be near a house shared by naval aviators.

When she knocks on the door a Navy Captain answers and invites her in.

She tells the senior Naval Officer that, "it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "

"Well," drawls the grizzled navy man, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my two young JO's, Jed and Luke. They are studying for a check ride in the morning."

The voluptuous blonde looks into the room and sees two young men standing behind the salty Navy Captain. She judges them to be in their early twenties.

"Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two junior Navy men in the room next to her. They are clearly not very bright, but they are handsome. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts the condoms on the nervous young naval aviators, and the three of them end up going at it all night long.

Four years later Jed and Luke are sitting in the Squadron Ready Room on board an aircraft carrier, somewhere in the Indian Ocean.

Jed asks, "Luke?"

"Yeah, Jed?"

"You remember that blonde woman about four years ago who showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Lennys Tap

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #151 on: February 22, 2019, 01:00:47 PM »
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. Soon thereafter a construction crew turned up and started building a home on the lot.

The family's 4 year old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the crew more or less "adopted"her as kind of a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little odd jobs to make her feel important.

And at the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope with $10 in it.

The little girl took the money home to her Mom, who suggested they take her "pay" to the bank and open a savings account.

The teller at the bank was very impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn a paycheck. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a construction crew building the house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness", replied the teller, "that is wonderful!Will you be working on the house again next week?"

"I will", replied the little girl, If those a$$holes at Home Depot deliver the unnatural carnal knowledge!ng drywall!"

Benny B

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #152 on: February 22, 2019, 03:03:54 PM »
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. Soon thereafter a construction crew turned up and started building a home on the lot.

The family's 4 year old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the crew more or less "adopted"her as kind of a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little odd jobs to make her feel important.

And at the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope with $10 in it.

The little girl took the money home to her Mom, who suggested they take her "pay" to the bank and open a savings account.

The teller at the bank was very impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn a paycheck. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a construction crew building the house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness", replied the teller, "that is wonderful!Will you be working on the house again next week?"

"I will", replied the little girl, If those a$$holes at Home Depot deliver the unnatural carnal knowledge!ng drywall!"

That one is a keeper.  Imma gonna use that one tonight.
Wow, I'm very concerned for Benny.  Being able to mimic Myron Medcalf's writing so closely implies an oncoming case of dementia.

Lennys Tap

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #153 on: February 23, 2019, 09:57:16 PM »
That one is a keeper.  Imma gonna use that one tonight.

Hope it went over well. It's one of a handful of old standbys that I can still tell without fear of reprisals.

Spotcheck Billy

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #154 on: April 11, 2019, 10:16:23 AM »
What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish Highlander?

Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get offa my cloud'

The Scottish Highlander says 'Hey, MacLeod, get offa my ewe!'


rocket surgeon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #155 on: April 11, 2019, 06:54:59 PM »
here'show they start a narrative north of the mason-dixon-

   "once upon a time..."

here's how they start a narrative south of the mason-dixon-

   "ya'll ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."
i'll take ape tit for $200 alex

Spotcheck Billy

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #156 on: May 05, 2020, 08:22:41 AM »

Spotcheck Billy

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #157 on: May 05, 2020, 08:23:20 AM »
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic
was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery
in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for
the great ship after its stop in New York .

This would have been the largest single shipment of
mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great
ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank,
and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were
eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their
anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning,
which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is
known, of course, As Sinko De Mayo.

Fluffy Blue Monster

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #158 on: May 05, 2020, 08:24:52 AM »
Say what you want about deaf people...
“True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else.”  -Clarence Darrow

StillAWarrior

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #159 on: May 05, 2020, 08:48:54 AM »
What is the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?  People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones.  People from Abu Dhabi do.


Editing:  Sorry...I misread the thread title.  I thought you were looking for a bad joke.  Or a dad joke.  OK, a bad dad joke.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2020, 10:39:59 AM by StillAWarrior »
Never wrestle with a pig.  You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

keefe

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #160 on: May 05, 2020, 10:45:44 PM »
A retired Scottish Spitfire pilot is invited to speak to a local high school about his experiences during the Battle of Britain.

The RAF man regaled the crowd of youngsters with tales of how so many owed so much to so few because of the incredible bravery and acts of derring-do of a mere handful who took on Goering's mighty Luftwaffe and lived to talk about it.

When a student asked the Highlander about the most harrowing moment of the Blitz the Scotsman reflected for a minute then began speaking solemnly, "One day, over London, there were Fokkers to the left of us and Fokkers to the right of us..."

A flustered Headmaster interrupted the combat ace, explaining to the assembly of students that, "I need to remind everyone that Fokker was a German aircraft manufacturer."

"Yes," the Scotsman acknowledged, "Only these bloody Fokkers were Messerschmitts"


Death on call

keefe

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #161 on: May 05, 2020, 11:11:11 PM »
A Warthog Driver is flying a low level CAS hop over Anbar Province when a MANPAD races up from the sand and smokes his port power plant. Realizing the airworthy situation is untenable he reaches reluctantly for his ejection ring and punches out of his beloved Hog.   

The ejection was too low and at a bad attitude so his battered and bruised body is on death's door when the PJs pluck him from the desert floor and race him back to the hospital.

Our noble warrior is in a coma for weeks and when he regains consciousness he finds himself in a mass of tubes and IV drips, a breathing mask, and monitors and meters measuring all of his most vital functions.

Through the fog of pain killers and an uncertain situational awareness he sees a gorgeous voluptuous nurse hovering over him with a worried look on her face. As he begins to grasp what has happened the nurse begins telling him that his ejection wreaked havoc on his body and that his survival is nothing short of a miracle.

Then, tenderly, with tears streaming down her cheeks, she tells him, "I have to tell you that you may not feel anything from the waist down."

The disappointment clearly etched on his face, the fighter pilot asks the beautiful Nightingale, "Can I feel your tits, then?"


Death on call

keefe

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #162 on: May 05, 2020, 11:38:05 PM »
An Army Apache pilot, a Navy Rhino aviator, and an Air Force Viper Driver are driving back to base on a dark stretch of highway on Christmas Eve when a drunk driver blindsides them.

Next thing they know they are at the Pearly Gates where a worried St Peter stands before them, concerned that their checkered off-duty behavior poses a problem for admission. 

But because it's Christmas Eve St Peter tells them that if they possess something which captures the Yule spirit they can enter The Kingdom of Heaven.

The Apache pilot pulls out his Zippo, flicks it, and relates how the birth of Christ brought light to the world. St Peter smiles and waves the Army guy through.

An anxious Naval Aviator looks distressed before finally pulling out his keys and, as he shakes them, tells Simon how the camels of the Wise Men were adorned with bells. St Peter thinks about it for a minute before reluctantly clearing the Navy man into Heaven.

The Viper Driver strides confidently up to St Peter and hands The Rock a pair of frilly lace panties. 

A confused Peter holds the woman's ripe undergarment between two fingers with a quizzical look on his face as the Viper Driver pushes past saying, "Those are Carol's!"   


Death on call

jutaw22mu

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #163 on: May 06, 2020, 10:09:07 AM »
An old couple are in church and the old lady turns to her husband and says, "I just let out a really silent fart, what should I do?"

The old man responds, "change your hearing aide battery, woman!"

ZiggysFryBoy

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #164 on: May 06, 2020, 10:28:03 AM »
What is the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?  People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones.  People from Abu Dhabi do.


Editing:  Sorry...I misread the thread title.  I thought you were looking for a bad joke.  Or a dad joke.  OK, a bad dad joke.

This is a killer dad joke.
And I am not frightened of dying. Any time will do, I don't mind. Why should I be frightened of dying? There's no reason for it – you've got to go sometime.    — Gerry O'Driscoll

Lennys Tap

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #165 on: May 06, 2020, 12:39:31 PM »
Two octogenarians were having a drink after a round of golf. One gets up abruptly and announces he has to go home for a nap because he has a big night ahead of him.

“Big night? Ha, big night doing what?” asks his friend.

“Big night with the widow Brown - we’ve been having sex three times a week for a couple of months!”

“Three times a week? Sounds impossible. What’s your secret?”

“Rye bread. Two or three slices and I’m good to go.” With that he gets up and leaves.

His friend doesn’t buy it, but figures - what have I got to lose? The next day at the grocery he spies a young lady on a ladder stocking the top shelf with rye bread. Shyly, he inquires, “Could I please have 5 loaves of that rye bread?“

“5 loaves?”, she asked incredulously. “By the time you’re halfway through the third loaf it’ll be as hard as a rock!”

“Jesus f-ing Christ! Where have I been? Does everyone know about this sh!t but me!?”



Fluffy Blue Monster

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #166 on: May 06, 2020, 12:40:28 PM »
Where do you take someone who got injured playing picaboo?

The ICU.
“True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else.”  -Clarence Darrow

keefe

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #167 on: May 06, 2020, 03:49:36 PM »
During the early days of the air campaign against Hitler's Fortress Europa freshly minted bomber crews practiced flight ops over the Moroccan desert in their brand new B 17s.

One day, a Flying Fortress encountered serious mechanical problems and the crew parachuted out where winds scattered them all over the Sahara.

The two pilots and the bombardier landed together and began the long slog through suffocating heat towards their base on the Mediterranean coast.

After several days without water or food the three fliers begin to lose hope, fearing that they will succumb to the blistering rays of an unforgiving sun. Just when all appeared lost the plane commander's eagle eyes sights a camel on the horizon.

The three men began running towards the beast, knowing it was their only hope of making it back to civilization. After half a day they finally reach the camel and, through tears of joy, climb aboard the ship of the desert. It's a tight fit but all three airmen finally situate themselves on the animal.

The camel makes slow but sure progress towards the coast and the aviators begin to believe they will survive this harrowing ordeal when the animal suddenly keels over dead.

The three men look at each other in stunned silence before the pilot says, "Well, sh1t. Looks like we're walking again. This camel's f#cked!"

Sheepishly, the bombardier looks at his pilot and in a voice choked with emotion blurts out, "I'm sorry sir! It was the only way I could stay on!"


Death on call

rocket surgeon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #168 on: May 06, 2020, 10:33:29 PM »
an older caddy was slinging the clubs for a middle aged temper prone guy.  upon 3 putting his 3rd hole of the round, he throws his putter into the pond and exclaims, i'd rather return to my room and find my lady with another man than 3 putt another hole to which his caddy replied, what is your room number
i'll take ape tit for $200 alex

keefe

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #169 on: May 09, 2020, 11:59:03 AM »
A young 1st Lt CJ Viper pilot receives word that he is being promoted to Captain and so he tells his wife he is going to the field to get the crew chief to repaint his aircraft with his new rank.

The wife reminds him that they have plans for that afternoon and he needs to RTB no later than 1300.

Well, 1300 comes and goes with no visual on the wayward pilot who finally straggles in after 1800.

"Where the hell have you been, you bastard?," shrieks the wife as the pilot saunters into the kitchen.

"I was on my way home from the base at 1230 when I saw a woman by the side of the road with a flat tire. Naturally, as an officer and gentleman, I was obliged to help," explained the Captain.

"Because I got all covered in grease and dirt the grateful woman had me come back to her nearby apartment where I could clean up. When I was in the shower she joined me and we ended up having sex all afternoon."

"Don't give me that bullsh1t," screamed the wife. "You went flying, didn't you!"   


Death on call

keefe

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #170 on: May 09, 2020, 12:25:23 PM »
A freshly minted 2nd Lt is curious about the origins of officer rank insignia and so he asks the Squadron Superintendent for the history of Air Force heraldry.

The crusty old Chief Master Sergeant relates how it's all history and tradition. "We give 2nd Lts a gold bar because they are not only valuable but also very malleable. 1st Lts wear a single silver bar as they are still valuable but less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. Because Colonels soar over the masses they wear eagles. And Generals are super stars which explains their insignia. Does that answer your question, sir?"

"Yes," replies the 2nd Lt, "but what about Majors and Lt Colonels?"

"That goes all the way back to the dawn of time. To the Garden of Eden, in fact. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."


Death on call

 

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