Who's got a good joke I can use tonight

[Dr. Blackheart]

Back in the late 80s I lived down the street from Woody. His roommate used to sell round beach towels in Venice Beach. (Round so you wouldn’t have to move them as the sun moved, genius, I know. Can’t believe they didn’t catch on!)
The couple times I ran into him, he seemed genuinely nice. His roommate at the time was what you would expect from a guy selling round beach towels.

Did he mention his dad shot JFK?

[Uncle Rico]

Did he mention his dad shot JFK?

That’s wrong.  Ted Cruz’s dad did

[muwarrior69]

What do you get when you cross a termite with a praying mantis?

A bug that says grace before it eats your house.

[Scoop Snoop]

I've got several "cops pulling over driver for speeding" stories but this is my favorite. A guy in NC who had a friend on the state police force picked up this gem and put it on the net:

After being pulled over, the woman smiled at the cop and said sweetly "I thought you didn't give speeding tickets to pretty young women." Ignoring the remark, the cop asked for her license and registration, informed her of the speed he clocked her at, and wrote up a ticket. Just as he was handing her the ticket to sign, he said "You're absolutely right. We don't give tickets to pretty young women. Sign here please."

[rocket surgeon]

it was mealtime during an airline flight over seas-the flight attendant asked john if he wanted dinner to which john asked, what are my choices?
                                                  yes or no the flight attendant replied


flight attendant stationed at the departure gate to collect tickets.  as a man in a trench coat approached, he flashes her.  sir, i need to see your ticket, not your stub

a woman is standing nude in front of a mirror.  she is not happy and says to her husband, i feel horrible, i look fat, old and ugly.  could you please give me some type of compliment?  her husband pauses and replies, your eyesight is damn near perfect

a recent study showed that an average person walks about 900 miles a year and drinks about 22 gallons of alcohol a year which means the average person gets about 41 miles per gallon

[4everwarriors]

Y'all hear 'bout da chameleon who couldn't change colors?

Poor dude suffers from reptile dysfunction, hey?

[4everwarriors]

This broad was taking golf lessons from her country club pro and finally decided to go out onto the course. When she finished her round the pro asked her how it went.
Not so good was her reply because I got stung by a bee.
He asked her where? Between the 1st and 2nd holes she replied. He remarked, "I told you to widen your stance," hey?

[4everwarriors]

Q: How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?

A: Pull down your pants and show him your nuts, hey?

[Dickthedribbler]

A morbidly obese man goes to his doctor for his annual physical:

Doc: OK, take off all your clothes and let's get
         started.

Patient: OK.

Doc ( much later): You have some serious
          health issues and they're all brought
          about by all that excess weight you're
          carrying. It's the worst I've ever seen.
         Look down, I bet you can't even see
         your own penis.

Patient ( fidgeting and almost in tears): I'm
          ashamed, Doc, I exercise and take
         medication but you're right, I'm so
         fat I can't even see my penis..

Doc: Well, I think you should diet.

Patient: Oh, Christ no, Doc. What color
         Is it now???

[Jockey]

Anyone notice a theme with these guys. Feels kinda creepy to me.

[tower912]

To be fair, dirty jokes are easy and at least mildly amusing.    It is always a dance along the funny/inappropriate line.

[muwarrior69]

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"

"We're from the groom's family."

Mother Superior whose convent was located in a high crime area asked her three novitiates how would they respond if they were confronted by male stranger in a dark alley.

The first novice replied that she would get on her knees and pray the rosary asking the Holy Mother for protection.

"Excellent", replied Mother Superior, "and you my dear?" "The same", said the second novice.

"Very Good my child, and you?" she asked the third novice.

She looked Mother Superior straight in the eyes and said, "I would tell the stranger to drop his pants as I was raising my habit up to my waste." A startled Mother Superior asked, "Why would you do such a thing?" The third novice replied, "Well I can run a hell of a lot faster with my habit raised to my waste than the stranger can with his trouser wrapped around his ankles."

[Jockey]

To be fair, dirty jokes are easy and at least mildly amusing.    It is always a dance along the funny/inappropriate line.

Don’t get me wrong, Tower. I’m always up for a good dirty joke.

Good is the operative word, though.

[real chili 83]

Why can’t you cross a pig with an ND alum?

There are some things even a pig won’t do.

[tower912]

Today's winner.

[StillAWarrior]

How can you tell if someone you meet went to Notre Dame?


Don’t worry, they’ll mention it.

[tower912]

Why is it a tragedy when two domers drive an SUV off a cliff?

There is room for 6.

[real chili 83]

You’re confronted by Adolf Hitler, Charles Manson add Digger Phelps. You’ve got a gun with two bullets.  Who do you shoot?

Digger…twice.

[warriorchick]

You’re confronted by Adolf Hitler, Charles Manson add Digger Phelps. You’ve got a gun with two bullets.  Who do you shoot?

Digger…twice.

I happen to like Digger. It's not his fault that ND is the only place that would hire him.

[real chili 83]

I happen to like Digger. It's not his fault that ND is the only place that would hire him.

Have you been drinking?

[warriorchick]

Have you been drinking?

Isn't this the joke thread?

[Dickthedribbler]

Q. Why did the chicken cross the
       Basketball court?

A. Because he heard the referee was
      blowing fowls?

[mu_hilltopper]

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

[4everwarriors]

Ewe foregot da Kolek 144 pak, aina?

[Scoop Snoop]

Here's a few from a very long list I saw on the net. These are from vet clinic boards:

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

Free belly rubs. Sorry! Pets only.

Did anyone water the Christmas tree? I did, said the dog.

Your pets will love us. I shihtzu not.

Unattended children will be given expresso and a free puppy.