MUScoop

MUScoop => The Superbar => Topic started by: Blackhat on February 12, 2011, 04:55:15 PM

Title: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Blackhat on February 12, 2011, 04:55:15 PM
to impress my girlfriend's parents over dinner??


All my hooker jokes might be too formal.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: ZiggysFryBoy on February 12, 2011, 05:08:26 PM
to impress my girlfriend's parents over dinner??


All my hooker jokes might be too formal.

The Aristocrats!  Get's em every time.  Especially the mom.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: wildbill sb on February 12, 2011, 06:24:35 PM
Try some of theser Borscht Belt one-liners:

 
* I just got  back from a pleasure trip. I took my  mother-in-law to the  airport.

*  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever  finds out, she'll kill me!
 
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
 
 * Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be  reporting it. The  thief spends
less than my wife  did.
 
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she  shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we  spent our wedding  night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My  wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the  Dead Sea  .
 
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was  only for the  estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud  fell off.
   
*  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back. " Mrs. Cohen answered,  "So did my arthritis!"
 
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"   
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See!  What did I tell you?"
 
*  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
 
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
 
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've been  brought here  for drinking."
 
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
 
* Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

 
* The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like  Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won
Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
 
* There is a big controversy on the Jewish  view of when life begins.  In Jewish tradition, the fetus  is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
 
* Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
 
 A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
 
* Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole  officers?
 
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
 

* A man called his mother in  Florida, 
 
"Mom, how are you?"
 
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've  been very weak."
 
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said,  "Because I haven't eaten in 38
days."
 
The son said, "That's terrible.
 
Why  haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
 
The mother answered,  "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
 
 
* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 
 
"What part is it?"
 
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." 
 
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a  speaking part."

 
* Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to  change a light bulb?
 
 A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
 

* Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
 
They tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat.
 

* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a  Jewish mother on the  street and said, "Lady, I  haven't eaten in three days."
 
"Force  yourself," she replied.
 

* Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
 
 A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
 

* Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
 
 A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20%  off. 

 

Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: ZiggysFryBoy on February 14, 2011, 09:59:58 AM
How was dinner?

Another good one, for next time, is to show them the "baby robin's nest."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Blackhat on February 14, 2011, 07:57:14 PM
Kept it classy so after a little wine and the bread i went with:

So what's the dirtiest thing ever said on TV?
Anybody? 

"Ward, weren't you a little rough on the beaver last night?"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on May 15, 2012, 01:19:23 PM
any pilots around here?  ;D

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it's sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore

P: Electrical governor is broke
S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano

P: Air conditioning motor makes a loud squeal like my mother-in-law.
S: recommend divorce

Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: real chili 83 on May 15, 2012, 09:57:09 PM
Why don't women wear a watch...because there's a clock on the oven.

Why do the polish end their name in "ski"?   Because they can't spell toboggan! 
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on May 16, 2012, 09:18:30 AM
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..'
He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord..'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
A last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on May 16, 2012, 09:19:39 AM
James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.

James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”

St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”

“Never” replies James.

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting the bed!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on May 16, 2012, 09:20:44 AM
I haven't quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never really figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't fee like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Blue Horseshoe on May 16, 2012, 09:49:13 AM
The open mic thread has officially started.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: MUMac on May 16, 2012, 03:01:29 PM
Two Irishmen left a bar.    No, really, it could happen.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: WI inferiority Complexes on May 16, 2012, 04:06:02 PM
I don't know how anyone can joke at a time like this, with the BOT not respecting MU basketball, The Big East becoming Conference USA II, and some banned poster possibly creating a new screen name.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: SaintPaulWarrior on May 16, 2012, 04:27:53 PM
Two Irishmen left a bar.    No, really, it could happen.

They must have been having a nice fight.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Blue Horseshoe on May 16, 2012, 04:42:45 PM
I don't know how anyone can joke at a time like this, with the BOT not respecting MU basketball

Not uncommon. They should all have been fired after the Marquette Gold disaster. It was actually a fantastic practical joke played on common sense.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: 4everwarriors on May 16, 2012, 07:25:46 PM
Did ya hear the one 'bout Marquette changin' it's nickname?
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: real chili 83 on May 17, 2012, 07:21:12 AM
How many Packer fans does it take to change a light bulb?

Three.  One to change the bulb, and the other two to talk about how good the old one was.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Otule's Glass Eye on May 19, 2012, 02:47:48 PM
So a Kentucky girl goes up to her dad and asks, "Daddy can I borrow the pickup truck?'' And he says, "Only if you suck my dick." She says, "But daddy I don't wanna suck yer dick." He says, "If ya want the truck, you'll do it." She finally agrees to do it and while she is sucking his dick she says, "Ehh daddy yer dick tastes like sheeeit." And he says, "Yeah, yer brother needed the truck this mornin'."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Chicago_inferiority_complexes on May 19, 2012, 06:35:02 PM
How many Packer fans does it take to change a light bulb?

Three.  One to change the bulb, and the other two to talk about how good the old one was.

Wow. I'm going to start using this. Not bad.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: wildbillsb on May 19, 2012, 07:49:41 PM
Thousands of comedians out of work, and you people try to make jokes? 
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: wojosdojo on May 19, 2012, 10:13:48 PM
Q: What is green and has wheels?
A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: wyzgy on May 20, 2012, 06:12:55 AM
a husband is sitting in his living room on a sunday afternoon watching football tossing peanuts into the air, catching them in his mouth while he carries on a conversation with his wife who is in the kitchen cooking.  suddenly his wife sneaks up behind him, startles him just as he throws another peanut in the air and it falls into his ear.  son of a...b... and he can't get it out.  he tries and tries and it keeps going in further until they both decide they better go to urgent care.  as they are leaving, in comes their daughter, lolita with her  new boyfriend.  what's going on asks his daughter?  they tell them the story and the new boyfriend, mitch says i can get that peanut out!  husband and wife look at each other quizically and reluctantly accept his offer.  mitch leads him back over to the couch and places his two fingers into the husbands nose and commands him to blow real hard...ptoing, the peanut goes flying out of his ear.  wow!!  the husband is ecstatic, saving him an embarassing trip to urgent care and not missing anymore football.  mitch and lolita continue on up to her bedroom to "study" while the husband and wife are still in shock and relief.  the wife exclaims, gee, i'm starting to warm up to mitch a little, i think he's good for lolita, what do you think he's going to do with his life she asks her husband?  well the husband replied, from the smell of his fingers,  he better be thinking about marrying our daughter lolita
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: wyzgy on May 20, 2012, 06:26:09 AM
ya know what bill clinton says to hillary after sex??


i'll be home in about 10 minutes
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: real chili 83 on May 20, 2012, 07:44:21 AM
What's the difference between a dollar bill and the Vikings?  You can get four quarters out of a dollar.

Why do the trees in Minnesota lean to the south? Because Iowa sucks.

Why do Badger cheerleaders wear long skirts?  To hide the no-pest strips.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: real chili 83 on May 20, 2012, 08:02:24 AM
First Grade

One day, the teacher tells the class that she is a White Sox fan.   She asks the class to raise their hand if they are a White Sox fan.  Not wanting to disappoint the teacher, a flurry of hands are raised high into the air.

The teacher scans the class, and sees that Mary has not raised her hand.  The teacher, now angry, asks Mary why she did not raise her hand.  She says she is a Cubs fan.  The teacher asks why.  Mary states thats her mother and father are Cub fans.

Now frustrated, the teacher asks, if you mother was a moron, and your father was a moron, what would that make you?  Mary smiles, and says, a White Sox fan.

Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: real chili 83 on May 20, 2012, 08:05:05 AM
What do you get when you cross a pig with a Notre Dame alum?  Nothing, there are some things that a pig just won't do.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: real chili 83 on May 20, 2012, 08:08:14 AM
You are stranded on an island with a cannibal, a murderer, and Digger Phelps.  You have a gun, with two bullets.  Who do you shoot? 

Digger (twice).
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: wyzgy on May 20, 2012, 04:54:55 PM
this girl, wanting to surprise her husband for their upcoming anniversary with something different and special, decides to get a tatoo of his pet name for her on her back side.  so she goes to the tatoo parlor and tells the artist that she wants the name beautiful bottom tatoo'd on her bum for her husband.  he says it will cost her $25 per letter.  she thinks that's a little over budget, asks if he could just do the initials b-b instead.  so their big day arrives and as she and her husband get ready to exchange presents, she fore warns him that she did a little something different for him.  now jim is all excited and curious he asks, well let's see what you have.  so misty lowers her pants and panties and bends over to show jim his anniversary present.  jim is mildly pleased, but has a question-it's all very nice and all, but who is bob??
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: ZiggysFryBoy on May 20, 2012, 07:41:38 PM
Jose gets moved into a nursing home.  After a few weeks, his family visits him and asks how things are going.  "Great," he says. 

"You see that guy over there, he was a dentist.  Everyone calls him Doctor.

"That guy, he was the conductor of the symphony orchestra.  Everyone calls him the Maestro.

"The man over there, he was a world famous researcher.  Everyone calls him the Professor."

"What do they call you?" asked his son?

"Me?" Jose said proudly.  "Well, they call me the F*cking Mexican."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Ari Gold on May 22, 2012, 08:50:53 PM
Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by. One of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows.
“That was a very nice thing to do,” says the second man.
“Well,” sniffles the first, “we were married for 25 years.”

A businessman was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary’s house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends.
One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary’s house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off.
By the time he arrived home, the executive’s wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been.
“I am not going to lie to you,” he said, “I am having an affair.”
His wife slowly looked him up and down, paused for a moment and said, “BS, you’ve been playing golf!”

“Doctor, won’t you please kiss me?” asks the patient.
“No. You’re a very beautiful woman, but it’s against my code of ethics,” replies the doctor.
“Please, just one kiss,” she pleads.
“Sorry,” says the doctor. “It’s totally out of the question. I shouldn’t even be f**king you.”

Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Skitch on May 22, 2012, 09:55:45 PM
Why do Notre Dame grads keep their diploma on the dashboard of their car?

So they can park in handicapped spaces
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Blackhat on May 22, 2012, 10:44:19 PM
There are four stages in life:

First you believe in Santa Claus, then you don't believe in Santa Claus, then you are Santa Claus, and finally you look like Santa Claus.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on May 23, 2012, 08:32:33 AM
Irony


The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light.

She wanted $800.00. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.

How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: wyzgy on May 24, 2012, 04:47:00 AM
middle aged dude needs to go to a doctor.  as he arrives for his appointment, he finds out his old doc retired and he's seeing a new younger, rather nice looking  female m.d.  upon seeing this, he gets very uneasy, telling the new doc that he, being a man and having man issues is a little uncomfortable engaging in a frank and open conversation about these.  the young female m.d reassures the man that despite her age and good looks that she is strictly professional and has seen her share of very personal issues come up and persuades the man to divulge his personal medical issue he came in for.  the man then reluctantly feels a little more at ease and exclaims, well, ummm,  my wife says my penis tastes kinda funny
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Ellenson Family Reunion on May 24, 2012, 08:58:07 AM
Guy walks into a butcher shop.  He steps up to the counter and says to the butcher, "Looks like a nice flank steak ya got there."

Butcher says, "That it is.  Ya thinkin' about gettin' one?"

Guy says, "No, I'm gettin' that flank steak.  I'm THINKIN' about poontang."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on June 01, 2012, 03:08:31 PM
At A Wisconsin wedding reception the D.J. yelled.

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death but is expected to survive.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: JD on June 01, 2012, 05:18:45 PM
Think president George W. on this one...


What does the president and nylons have in common? 

They both irritate bush.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: ATWizJr on June 06, 2012, 02:38:29 PM
Why does the Metrodome have astro turf?  To stop the Viking cheerleaders from grazing.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on June 07, 2012, 08:23:54 AM
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from an Aussie...
...just trying to help:


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on July 26, 2012, 11:38:51 AM
In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............
"Is that one word or two?"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Benny B on July 26, 2012, 02:16:42 PM
Two devout Mormons get married.  Both having been celibate to that point, the husband is looking forward to consummating the marriage that night.  However, the wife tells her new husband that she isn't quite ready.  At this the husband is discouraged and asks how long before she is ready.  The wife says she doesn't know.  Now distraught, the husband asks how he is to know when she's ready.  After pondering for a moment the wife devises a solution:

"Every night before bed, if you want to have sex rub my breast one time.  If I'm ready, I'll rub your penis one time."

The husband, not being satisfied with this plan, offers a compromise:

"Every night before bed, if you're ready to have sex, rub my penis one time.  If you're not ready, rub my penis seventy-four times."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: real chili 83 on October 24, 2012, 10:18:21 PM
Ok, I got nothin'.

This was a fun thread. Time to revive.

I was in Iowa today.  Why do all the trees in Minnesota lean to the south?  Cause Iowa sucks.

Why do the Iowa cheerleaders wear long skirts?  To hide the no-pest strips.

Like I said, I got nothin'.   ;D  ;D  ;D

Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on November 01, 2012, 03:45:56 PM
I actually got this in an email today from a buddy in Chicago

Quote
last night for halloween we had three Indian girls who are 11 and had on phone head sets..."what are you dressed as? " I asked..."Tech support."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: BubbaWilliams on November 05, 2012, 01:58:35 PM
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?


The Irish funeral has one less drunk.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on September 17, 2014, 11:48:12 AM
A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Boobsengolf."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on September 17, 2014, 11:49:56 AM
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist And when we have REAL trouble, it's a... HISterectomy Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on September 17, 2014, 11:51:29 AM
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the hell would you say?"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on September 17, 2014, 11:51:48 AM
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth.
I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too.
Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.
Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: 4everwarriors on September 17, 2014, 12:43:39 PM
Crean doesn't suck.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: PuertoRicanNightmare on September 17, 2014, 01:31:24 PM
A pedophile is walking through the woods with a little boy.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

And the pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I've gotta walk back by myself!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: MU82 on September 18, 2014, 08:24:30 AM
My go-to joke:

A woman walks into a hardware store to buy a new hinge for a door. The salesman helps her find the hinge, leads her to the register and, before ringing up the sale, asks:

"You wanna screw for that hinge?"

"No," she says, "but I'll blow you for the toaster."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Skatastrophy on September 18, 2014, 09:08:06 AM
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on September 18, 2014, 09:13:31 AM
Go-to joke? That would be this one, although I usually draw it out longer and tell it to people I just met so they suspect I'm telling a true story until the punch line:

Ah man I was pulled over last night and almost got a ticket for hitting a cat that ran out into the street. While driving home from work last night, a cat ran straight out in front of my car. I swerved to miss it but was unable to. Just as soon as I hit the cat, a police car pulled in behind me and turned on his lights. When the officer approached me, he asked why I ran over the cat.

I told the officer that I just got off work and was very tired, didn't see the cat in time but swerved, hoping that I'd miss it anyways.

The officer said that it looked as if I swerved to hit the cat, but in any case, I needed to make restitution.

I asked the officer, "What can I do to make restitution?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure the cat belongs to the lady across the street. Why don't you tell her that you hit her cat and will pay for her to replace it.", the officer remarked.

So I walked up to the house, knocked. I told the lady that answered the door the story and said that all I had was $20 on me, but I hoped that would help her to replace her cat. The lady accepted the $20. Nervous, with the officer standing right behind me, I made a hasty retreat back to my car. When I turned around to look I saw the officer arresting the woman. At first I was confused until I overheard him advising the woman that in these parts it's illegal to sell kitten.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: CTWarrior on September 18, 2014, 09:28:27 AM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

'What do you mean, almost?' the priest said.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: WellsstreetWanderer on September 18, 2014, 09:41:29 AM


A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing:
 
Husband : I’m very concerned…my wife seems to be missing.  I think she went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
 
Sergeant : OK, let’s get a description so we can put out a missing persons notice.  What is her height?
 
Husband:  Gee, I really don’t know exactly. Maybe about five feet tall.
 
Sergeant :  Build?
 
Husband:  Not slim, but not really fat either.  Probably somewhere between the two.
 
Sergeant :  Color of eyes?
 
Husband :  Oh gosh…you know, I never really noticed.
 
Sergeant :  Color of hair?
 
Husband :  Well, that seems to change a couple times a year . .. . I think it’s kinda reddish now.
 
Sergeant :   What was she wearing?
 
Husband:   Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
 
Sergeant :   Did she drive away in a car?
 
Husband :   No, she went in my truck.
 
Sergeant :   What kind of truck was it?
 
Husband :  Brand new white Ford F150 King Ranch 4 X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats, DVD with Navigation, 21 channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 4 power outlets, custom “Bubba” floor mats, trailering package with gold balls hanging from the hitch. Just put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's.

 

At this point the husband started tearing up and almost started crying.
 
Sergeant:  Don't worry Bubba.......We’ll find your truck.
 



 




 




 



 
 

 
 



 


 

 


               
 
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: CTWarrior on September 18, 2014, 09:48:06 AM
A man had constant miserable headaches that wouldn’t go away no matter what he did.  So he visited a doctor and got some terrible news.

“You’ve got an unusual problem," the doctor said.  Your testicles are compressed against your spine, causing nerve damage that leads to those terrible headaches.  I am afraid I am going to have to remove them.”

After a long discussion the man agreed to the procedure.  A week later, after the operation was completed, the man left the hospital depressed, but his headache was completely gone.  Walking along the street, he saw a fine men’s clothing store.

“Maybe a new suit will cheer me up,” he thought, and entered the store.
 
He picked through the suits and a small, ancient man came up to see him.

“That’s a nice one he said.  It will look good on you”

“Thanks, let me get the right size”

“No need,” the old man said.  “You’re a 46 long, right?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“I’ve been doing this for 60 years!  33 inseam on the pants, right?”

“Amazing, how do you do it?”

“I told you, I’ve been doing this for 60 years!  OK, you’ll need a shirt.  17 neck, 34/35 sleeves, right?”

“Yes, you’re incredible!”

“Like I said, I’ve been doing this for 60 years.  New shoes?  Size 11 narrow, right?”

“Yes again.  It’s unbelievable.”

“Not when you’ve been doing this for 60 years.  How about some new underwear, too, size 36 briefs?’

“HAH!” the customer smiled.  “Got you there.   I’m afraid you’re wrong.  I wear size 34 briefs.”

“Oh, no,” the old man said, shaking his head.  “You can’t wear size 34 underwear.  It’ll compress your balls against your spine.  Give you a hellauva headache!”
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Lennys Tap on September 18, 2014, 10:08:46 AM
The difference between the English and the Irish?

The English leave but never say good bye.

The Irish say good bye but never leave.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Frenns Liquor Depot on September 18, 2014, 10:37:38 AM
There were two Irishman (Sean & William) stranded at sea in a life-raft and nothing else.  They came upon a lamp floating in the ocean.  Sean reached down and grabbed the lamp and immediately began rubbing it.  As luck would have it a Genie popped out. 

The Genie said "now lads I am a special kind of genie – a little different than the ones you have heard about in the past – I grant one wish and one wish alone".

William immediately blurts out – “I wish the sea was made from God’s one true gift to man – Guinness Beer!”

The Genie says “your wish is granted” and the sea changes as the Genie fades away

Sean says “William you idiot – now we are going to have to pee in the boat”
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: muwarrior69 on September 18, 2014, 02:32:33 PM
You know why all Notre dame grads make the best astronauts?

They all took up space in school.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: warriorchick on September 18, 2014, 03:30:35 PM
A man had constant miserable headaches that wouldn’t go away no matter what he did.  So he visited a doctor and got some terrible news.

“You’ve got an unusual problem," the doctor said.  Your testicles are compressed against your spine, causing nerve damage that leads to those terrible headaches.  I am afraid I am going to have to remove them.”

After a long discussion the man agreed to the procedure.  A week later, after the operation was completed, the man left the hospital depressed, but his headache was completely gone.  Walking along the street, he saw a fine men’s clothing store.

“Maybe a new suit will cheer me up,” he thought, and entered the store.
 
He picked through the suits and a small, ancient man came up to see him.

“That’s a nice one he said.  It will look good on you”

“Thanks, let me get the right size”

“No need,” the old man said.  “You’re a 46 long, right?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“I’ve been doing this for 60 years!  33 inseam on the pants, right?”

“Amazing, how do you do it?”

“I told you, I’ve been doing this for 60 years!  OK, you’ll need a shirt.  17 neck, 34/35 sleeves, right?”

“Yes, you’re incredible!”

“Like I said, I’ve been doing this for 60 years.  New shoes?  Size 11 narrow, right?”

“Yes again.  It’s unbelievable.”

“Not when you’ve been doing this for 60 years.  How about some new underwear, too, size 36 briefs?’

“HAH!” the customer smiled.  “Got you there.   I’m afraid you’re wrong.  I wear size 34 briefs.”

“Oh, no,” the old man said, shaking his head.  “You can’t wear size 34 underwear.  It’ll compress your balls against your spine.  Give you a hellauva headache!”

 

I heard Buddy Hackett tell that joke to Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show.  Must have been at least 35 years ago.  Of course back then, he had to be a little more vague.....
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Blackhat on September 18, 2014, 04:19:51 PM
Blast from the past thread....

Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.
"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the hookers.
"How can you tell?" said the other.
"I can smell cock in the air" replied the first hooker.
"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: TAMU Eagle on September 18, 2014, 04:27:45 PM
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a leak?

Because its P is silent!
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: StillAWarrior on September 18, 2014, 04:43:23 PM
 
I heard Buddy Hackett tell that joke to Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show.  Must have been at least 35 years ago.  Of course back then, he had to be a little more vague.....


Buddy Hackett was fantastic.  He had an HBO special in the mid-80s or so that was unbelievable.  I'd love to see it again and I wonder how it would stand the test of time.  It was pretty "blue" for the time, but would be tame by today's standards.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: PuertoRicanNightmare on September 19, 2014, 05:59:51 AM
Blast from the past thread....

Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.
"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the hookers.
"How can you tell?" said the other.
"I can smell cock in the air" replied the first hooker.
"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped"
This is great!
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Benny B on September 19, 2014, 11:41:43 AM
The parish janitor is sweeping the floors on a Saturday afternoon when the priest pokes his head out of the confessional and motions for him to come over.

The priest says, "Bill... do me a favor.  I need to run to the bathroom, can you cover for me?"

"But father," the janitor responds, "I'm not a priest, I can't give penance."

"Sure you can, see this chart right here," the priest says motioning to a chart on his side of the screen, "when someone comes in to confess, just find their sin in the first column and give them the penance in the second column."

"OK father, but please hurry."

So a few minutes pass, and no sign of the priest when a man walks in.  "Bless me Father, I have sinned.  I stole several hundred dollars from my employer."

The janitor looks at the chart... STEALING: FOUR HAIL MARYS & SIX OUR FATHERS.  "Well, my child," the janitor mumbles, "say four hail marys and six our fathers."

"Thank you, father," the man says as he gets up to leave.

Another minute passes, and still the priest hasn't returned.  A teenager walks in, "Bless me Father, I have sinned.  I called my friends some very bad words."

Again, the janitor peruses the chart... TAKING LORD'S NAME IN VAIN: THREE GLORY BES AND FIVE OUR FATHERS.  "My child," the janitor says more comfortably, "say three glory bes and five our fathers and you shall be absolved."

"Thank you, father," and the teenager leaves.

This goes on for another three parishioners, and just as the janitor is starting to get the hang of things, a lady walks in.  "Bless me father for I have sinned.  I have cheated on my husband."

The janitor peruses the chart for cheating, but sees nothing.  So he looks up and down the column again and notices and notices "ADULTERY" but with several different sub-categories, so he asks the lady to be more specific.

"Well, after my husband went to work yesterday, the milk man came over and I, well, uh, I performed fellatio on him."

So the janitor looks back to the chart -- ADULTERY-INTERCOURSE, ADULTERY-SODOMY, ADULTERY-CUNNILINGUS, ADULTERY-FONDLING -- but he sees no sub-category for fellatio.  So the janitor starts to panic, and quickly looks out his door for the priest.  However, the only person in sight is Timmy, the head alter boy, who is sitting in the back eating a candy bar.

"Psst... Timmy, come here, quick.  Any idea what penance Father gives for fellatio?"

The boy responds, clearly puzzled, "fell-eye-shee-oh?"

"No, fellatio. Fell-ay-shee-oh. You know, a blow job."

At this, the boy's eyes light up, "oh yeah, of course, I know what that is."

"Good," says the janitor, "now what does father usually give for a blow job?"

"Well," the boy says, holding up his half-eaten candy bar, "I got this Snickers bar and a pat on the head."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: 4everwarriors on September 19, 2014, 12:24:15 PM
Crean's a wonderful coach and an even better human bein'.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: wadesworld on September 19, 2014, 12:31:28 PM
Crean's a wonderful coach and an even better human bein'.

Haven't read this thread at all.  Saw you were the last reply and knew I'd get a good laugh out of this.  This is some of your finest work, 4never.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: MU Fan in Connecticut on September 19, 2014, 09:06:50 PM
Crean's a wonderful coach and an even better human bein'.

The funniest one so far.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on September 21, 2014, 07:40:05 AM

About an elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: real chili 83 on September 21, 2014, 10:46:59 AM
How many Packer fans does it take to change a light bulb?



Three.



One to change the bulb, and two to talk about how good the old one was.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Lennys Tap on September 21, 2014, 11:58:09 AM
Chico and two friends walk in a bar.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: MUUWUWM on September 21, 2014, 02:20:53 PM
Who discovered the fuzz on Peaches




Peaches boyfriend.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: ChicosBailBonds on September 21, 2014, 03:37:10 PM
Chico and two friends walk in a bar.

Still thinking about me all the time.....care to expand upon the known FACTS about Wade and where he could play.  Talk about a great joke...LOL
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on September 22, 2014, 02:07:57 PM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: TAMU Eagle on September 22, 2014, 02:14:49 PM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

My priest told this joke during his homily a month or two back
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on September 22, 2014, 03:29:57 PM
My priest told this joke during his homily a month or two back

Bless you my son, the secret of my identity is out!
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: 77ncaachamps on September 22, 2014, 07:37:33 PM
Crean's a wonderful coach and an even better human bein'.

You stole this from Joyce Meyer.

Or Rick Warren.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: 4everwarriors on September 22, 2014, 07:40:49 PM
Some would say Dwyane Wade, hey?
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: CTWarrior on September 23, 2014, 07:40:36 AM
My priest told this joke during his homily a month or two back

Strange, my priest in Connecticut told this exact joke in a homily 6-12 months ago.  Don't remember how he worked it into his message that day.  I wonder if priests have a common source for homily ideas, etc.  I suppose they probably do.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: warriorchick on September 23, 2014, 08:45:53 AM
Strange, my priest in Connecticut told this exact joke in a homily 6-12 months ago.  Don't remember how he worked it into his message that day.  I wonder if priests have a common source for homily ideas, etc.  I suppose they probably do.

My guess is that some sort of "sermon ideas" website exists that contains jokes that tie into the theme of that day's Gospel.

Our priest likes to start off with a joke as well.  I think most of them are from his native India, and they get lost a little in translation. 
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Benny B on September 23, 2014, 09:16:40 AM
Yeah... there's got to be some sharing going on with sermons. A few years ago, I went to two baptisms in two states (two different dioceses) in one weekend - one was a Saturday evening mass and the other a Sunday morning mass.  Of course, the readings were the same, but the homilies were eerily similar.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: MU Fan in Connecticut on September 23, 2014, 09:32:39 AM
The recycled homily - 6 months or so ago our priest gave a homily that to paraphrase began "Hollywood is making many scary movies these days like Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc...."  - well, with these days being 30 years ago.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Coleman on September 23, 2014, 09:33:59 AM
Yeah... there's got to be some sharing going on with sermons. A few years ago, I went to two baptisms in two states (two different dioceses) in one weekend - one was a Saturday evening mass and the other a Sunday morning mass.  Of course, the readings were the same, but the homilies were eerily similar.

There are "homily help" websites and books for priests. I'm sure the priests were consulting the same thing when preparing their homilies.

50 years ago most parishes had 3 or 4 priests. Now, most priests serve multiple parishes alone, oversee schools, or wear other multiple hats and don't have time to sit down and plan out homilies. This is an unfortunate fact, and a reason why I think they should let talented and dedicated deacons and laypeople preach for a start, as well as seriously consider a married priesthood.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on February 21, 2015, 09:33:11 AM
Arriving In Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: wadesworld on February 21, 2015, 10:33:30 AM
How do you get a Bears fan to stop jerking off?

Paint his dick green and gold. He won't beat it for years.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Sir Lawrence on February 21, 2015, 10:49:58 AM
Four guys have been going on the same golf outing to Hilton Head for years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but there’s not much they can do about it.

Two days later, the three pull up to the clubhouse only to find Jack sitting at the bar with a round of drinks set up, and a wide grin.

"What the heck, Jack, how long you been here, and how on earth did you talk your wife into letting you go!?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.  Yesterday afternoon, I was sitting in my recliner and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, "Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.


She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.  I knew that she had been reading '50 Shades of Grey'......   On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff  her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!


Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: rocket surgeon on February 21, 2015, 05:46:34 PM


    a guy and his wife are golfing, the guy-we'll name him fred, is having the round of his life.  on the 18th hole, his tee shot lands in the parking lot with the clubhouse between his ball and the green.  studying his lie and potential shots to the green, fred begins to pull out his 9 iron in preparation to launch his ball over the clubhouse, onto the green in an attempt to save par.  suddenly his wife yells out-fred fred wait, i'll open the front door and the back door of the clubhouse, use your 3 iron and punch it through, onto the green.  wow, what a great idea he thinks.  well, things didn't quite work out so well as he shanked his shot, his ball hits the rain gutter of the clubhouse and ricochets into the head of his wife and kills her on the spot
 
   well a few weeks go by and fred is back on the golf course, playing that infamous 18th hole with his close friend burt.  again he has a great round going and he hooks his tee shot into the parking lot behind the clubhouse.  while he is eyeing his possibilities, he begins pulling out his 9 iron...burt yells out-fred fred, i'm going to open the front and back door of the clubhouse, use your 3 iron and punch it on through.  fred pauses and says, come on burt, i tried that shot a few weeks ago and double bogied the damn hole
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Blackhat on February 21, 2015, 06:36:01 PM
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive” The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on April 01, 2015, 07:51:51 AM
An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so
he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your
treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to
his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to
recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Blackhat on April 05, 2015, 03:44:25 PM
The late, great, country comedian, Jerry Clower, spun some funny yarns in his day. My favorite was his coon huntin story.

 Long story short, Jerry and his buddy went on a night coon hunt with a neighbor, Mr. Barron, and his hired hand, John Eubanks. John was known far and wide for his ability to climb trees. John believed in giving the coons a sporting chance. When pack of hounds treed a coon, John didn’t believe in shooting it out of the tree. Instead, he’d climb the tree and poke the coon with a sharp stick and knock him down amongst the dogs. The coon at least had the option of whooping all the dogs and getting away. The outcome was entirely up to the coon.

This dark night, things were going according to script until John, high up in a huge tree, poked the treed coon with his sharp stick, and the coon turned out to be a lynx, what they called a souped-up wild cat around those parts. Instead of falling, the lynx stood his ground, so to speak, and started making minced meat out of poor old John. John yelled down to Mr. Barron, who had a pistol, “Shoot this thang, shoot this thang—it’s killing me."
Mr. Barron yelled back, “I can’t shoot it, I might hit you.”
“Shoot this thang.”
“ Can’t, might hit you.”
Finally, in desperation, John yelled down, “Well, just shoot up in here amongst us. One of us got to have some relief.”
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Bo Ryan's Massage Therapist on April 05, 2015, 09:44:51 PM
What's the difference between hard and light?
You can sleep with a light on
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: keefe on April 06, 2015, 01:02:30 AM
A priest dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in Ray Ban aviators, a Hawaiian shirt, leather flight jacket, and reeking of Brut, cheap perfume, and spilled beer.

St Peter asks the odd character, 'Who are you, and what business have you with the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The fellow replies, 'My call sign is Blister, former F 18 Driver and United Airlines pilot out of ORD.'

St Peter scans his list, breaks into a huge grin, and warmly welcomes the Naval Aviator saying, 'Here is your silken robe, Blister, and a solid gold staff. Please take the VIP taxiway to starboard. Welcome to heaven, Captain!

The priest is next. The Reverend walks up to the velvet rope and cries out, 'I am Fr Michael, pastor of St Cecilia's parish for the past 60 years!'

St Peter consults his list and says to the priest,  'Find a cotton robe off that rack and take a wooden staff out of that barrel. Next!'

'Wait a minute,' says the Father. 'That man, that Naval Aviator, reeking of tart and of alcohol...he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get common cotton and wood. How can this be?'

'First thing you need to know is that here in Heaven we go by results,' explains St Peter. 'You preached and people slept. When that pilot flew, people prayed...'
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: KenoshaWarrior on April 06, 2015, 10:05:46 AM
Kept it classy so after a little wine and the bread i went with:

So what's the dirtiest thing ever said on TV?
Anybody? 

"Ward, weren't you a little rough on the beaver last night?"

Great line from Revenge of the Nerds
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: warriorchick on April 06, 2015, 10:27:19 AM
A man and his wife shared a great love for golf.  Over the many decades of their marriage, they traveled the world and played all of the great courses together - St. Andrews, Pebble Beach, Royal Melbourne....
Alas, the wife took ill, and on her deathbed, she motioned her husband closer so he could hear her.
"My darling," she said weakly, "We have had many wonderful years together. It is not right that you should be alone now.  After I go, I want you to remarry."
The husband protested, "My love, how can you even think about that!"
"It's okay. You have my full blessing," she replied.  "And because I know you would only marry someone who shared our love of golf, I want you to give her my golf clubs."
"No, honey, I can't!"
"My darling, I insist.  They are a very nice set, among the best money can buy.  It will give me much pleasure to know that someone you love will be enjoying them."
"But, you don't understand!"
"What is it, darling?"
"She's left-handed."

Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Benny B on April 06, 2015, 12:08:57 PM
A priest dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in Ray Ban aviators, a Hawaiian shirt, leather flight jacket, and reeking of Brut, cheap perfume, and spilled beer.

St Peter asks the odd character, 'Who are you, and what business have you with the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The fellow replies, 'My call sign is Blister, former F 18 Driver and United Airlines pilot out of ORD.'

St Peter scans his list, breaks into a huge grin, and warmly welcomes the Naval Aviator saying, 'Here is your silken robe, Blister, and a solid gold staff. Please take the VIP taxiway to starboard. Welcome to heaven, Captain!

The priest is next. The Reverend walks up to the velvet rope and cries out, 'I am Fr Michael, pastor of St Cecilia's parish for the past 60 years!'

St Peter consults his list and says to the priest,  'Find a cotton robe off that rack and take a wooden staff out of that barrel. Next!'

'Wait a minute,' says the Father. 'That man, that Naval Aviator, reeking of tart and of alcohol...he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get common cotton and wood. How can this be?'

'First thing you need to know is that here in Heaven we go by results,' explains St Peter. 'You preached and people slept. When that pilot flew, people prayed...'


Too soon?

http://host.madison.com/news/local/obituaries/richel-the-rev-michael-clarence/article_87d17bdd-3c71-5671-888b-5918cff38bd2.html
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: keefe on April 06, 2015, 01:03:54 PM
Too soon?

http://host.madison.com/news/local/obituaries/richel-the-rev-michael-clarence/article_87d17bdd-3c71-5671-888b-5918cff38bd2.html

No, just an update!
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: 4everwarriors on April 14, 2015, 09:08:28 PM
Q: Why are jokes about German sausages never funny?

A: Because they're the wurst.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: WellsstreetWanderer on April 14, 2015, 09:38:13 PM
Paddy leaves the Pub one night and gets in his car. As he drives down the road the car is jerked left, then right as he has a terrible  time keeping it straight. The Guarda sees him and pulls him over. "Paddy have you been drinking down at the Pub?" says the officer. "Well, I might have had a pint or two with the Boyos" he says. " Well, Paddy, I saw your wife fall out of the car about a half mile back"  "Sweet Jesus Mercy! And I thought I was deaf!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: wildbill sb on April 14, 2015, 09:51:18 PM
 These are so lame.  Still waiting. I've got a good golf joke that needs to be reworded a bit.  Not sure how that can be accomplished.  Want to hear it?
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: 4everwarriors on April 15, 2015, 08:25:10 AM
Bring it on ,hey?
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on April 08, 2016, 10:20:10 AM
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on November 13, 2016, 10:46:55 AM
News Update from Canada

The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips. When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: keefe on November 13, 2016, 12:57:50 PM
A ship gets caught in a typhoon in the South Seas and quickly sinks. A man, a sheep, and a sheepdog are the only survivors, washing up on a deserted island.

Months go by during which time the man gets into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds while the tropical breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

Months go by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle tropical breeze - a perfect night for romance.

As the sun dipped beneath the waves the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: rocket surgeon on November 13, 2016, 01:02:44 PM
A ship gets caught in a typhoon in the South Seas and quickly sinks. A man, a sheep, and a sheepdog are the only survivors, washing up on a deserted island.

Months go by during which time the man gets into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds while the tropical breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

Months go by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle tropical breeze - a perfect night for romance.

As the sun dipped beneath the waves the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: keefe on November 13, 2016, 01:11:32 PM
During his first term, President Obama emerges from Marine One on the White House lawn with a piglet under his arm.

The squared away Marine guard comes to attention, snaps off a crisp salutes and says to the Commander in Chief: “Nice pig, sir!”

The President replies: “This is not a pig! It is an authentic Arkansas Razorback Hog. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.”

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says: “Excellent trade, SIR!”
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Lennys Tap on November 13, 2016, 01:29:04 PM
Cocktail hour, an elderly couple sit together on their patio. Sipping her wine, the woman says "I love you SO much, I don't know what I'd do without you." Her husband smiles and replies "Is that you or the wine talking?" "It's me", she assures him. "Me, talking to the wine."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Bo Ryan's Massage Therapist on November 13, 2016, 01:37:08 PM
Q:   What sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A:  ask your mother
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: rocket surgeon on November 13, 2016, 03:36:03 PM
s kid, his dad and gramps are on the first tee, warming up, waiting to begin their round when the starter

 approaches and asks them if they minded if he adds a 4th to their group.  standing next to him is a very

attractive, blond woman with her hair tied neatly into a pony tail extending out the back of her golf cap.  all 3   

  are quick to respond in unison-absolutely not.  as the blond golfer approaches the 3, she introduces herself,

  thanked them for the opportunity and then said, i only have one request of you gentlemen-with all due

respect, please please don't try to offer me advice during our round.  all 3 nodded in agreement and they

proceeded to allow her to tee off first.  her first shot is brilliantly struck with a slight draw toward the middle of

the fairway about 240 yards out.  the guys looked at each other with a smirk and off they went. 

   well the round went off without much of a hitch and all 4 were safely on the 18th green in regulation.  the

blond

then stopped surveying the green and once again thanked the 3 for allowing her to join their group, thanked

them for heeding her request for not interfering with her play and then exclaimed that if she makes this

birdie putt of about 15 feet, she will have golfed the best round of her life.  so she said, i am willing to take

some guidance and whoever gives her the most accurate reading, she will reward them with the best oral sex

they've ever had in their life.  well, upon hearing that, the teenager sprang forward and stammered-if you hit

this putt with moderate speed, 6 inches to the left of the cup, it should fall right in.  almost before the

youngster could complete his sentence, the dad steps forward, pushing his son out of the way says no no

no.  your ball is definitely going to break right, downhill with the grain,  so hit it with ever so slight club speed

and it will drop right in the bottom of the jar.  gramps looks at both of his boys, shakes his head, walks up

to her ball, picks it up and says, that's a gimme
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: keefe on November 13, 2016, 03:49:12 PM
A husband and wife are playing golf together when the man's wife is stung by a bee. She immediately collapses as she is deathly allergic.

The husband sprints back to the clubhouse and cries out as he enters, "Is there a doctor in the house??"

As a man raises his hand the husband tells him, "Come quickly! My wife's been stung by a bee!"

"Where was she stung?" asks the doctor.

"Between the first and second holes." shouts the husband.

"Wow!" replies the doctor with genuine amazement. "She must have a very wide stance!!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Benny B on November 14, 2016, 10:32:02 AM
A priest and a nun are golfing.  On the 2nd hole, the priest has a 14-foot putt for birdie and pushes it left.

"God damn, I missed," said the priest.

The nun, flabbergasted at the priest's words, says to the priest "Father, you must not take the Lord's name in vain like that, for if you do, you know as well as I that he will smite you."

The priest minds his words and moves on.  Later, on the 14th hole, the priest once again pushes left on a 10-foot putt for birdie.

"God damn, I missed, " said the priest under his breath.

The nun, with her amplified sense of hearing, overhears and once again repeats her warning to the priest.  The priest reflects on his behavior in disgrace, apologizes and moves on.

On the 18th hole, the priest has a 5-foot putt for eagle and lips it out.  Just then, dark clouds roll in as the priest screams "God damn it... I missed."

Immediately, the clouds crack and a bolt of lighting flails to earth, striking the nun between the eyes and killing her dead.  The priest looks up, and from the heavens rumbles a deep voice:

"Damn, I missed."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Sir Lawrence on November 15, 2016, 03:28:05 PM
Under the Western night sky:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell YOU, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo. Someone stole tent."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: keefe on November 16, 2016, 10:51:05 AM
Q: How did the gorgeous woman know that her date with the Naval Aviator was finally at least half over?

A: When the Naval Aviator grandly stated, "Enough about me! Let me tell you all about the F 18!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: warriorchick on November 16, 2016, 11:12:01 AM
Q: How did the gorgeous woman know that her date with the Naval Aviator was finally at least half over?

A: When the Naval Aviator grandly stated, "Enough about me! Let me tell you all about the F 18!"

Who needs roofies when you can just make the girl fall asleep by talking about your plane?
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: CreanLover on November 16, 2016, 11:16:10 AM
Who needs roofies when you can just make the girl fall asleep by talking about your plane?
Something tells me there aren't a lot of girls who fall asleep when a guy talks about "his" plane.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: warriorchick on November 16, 2016, 11:25:14 AM
Something tells me there aren't a lot of girls who fall asleep when a guy talks about "his" plane.

You obviously don't know women very well.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Benny B on November 16, 2016, 11:42:40 AM
You obviously don't know women very well.

In fairness, I would think the odds are in favor of women being asleep long before keefe even got around to talking about it.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: keefe on November 16, 2016, 01:40:17 PM
You obviously don't know women very well.

Well, Chick, there are women...and then there are WOMEN!
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: keefe on November 16, 2016, 01:48:17 PM
A true story of how Call Signs are born:

BANANAS & MILKDUDS

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated...He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat.. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to 'Milk Duds' , your sense of humor is seriously broken. 

This message is for America 's most famous athletes:
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam . 

Change your name. 

Fake your own death! 

Whatever you do. 

Do Not Go!!! 

I know. 

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would
be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach .. 

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. 

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'. Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, 'We have liftoff'. 

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie.

I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. 

'Bananas,' he said.

'For the potassium?' I asked.

'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.' 

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot.  But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it. 

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately rendered unconscious. 

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. 

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. 

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5,which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas. 

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that. 

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. 

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that I never thought would be egressed. 

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock
bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down. 

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really now 'cool'. 

Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand. 

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighter pilots had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit. 

What is it? I asked.

'Two Bags.'
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: rocket surgeon on November 16, 2016, 06:18:54 PM
damn that was funny-the O2 mask came down from the ceiling i was laughing so hard while my wife was on the phone with my counselor-good stuff!
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: rocket surgeon on November 16, 2016, 07:04:53 PM
a guy is having a physical when his doc asks him how his sex life is.  not so good replies the guy.  my wife has been calling me the minute man as of late.  hmm, says the doc, what you need is something to distract you when that "moment" arrives.

so the guy is on his way home.  as he passes a gun store, a thought goes thru his head-hey, if i get a starter pistol, that could be the distraction i need.  so he rushes home to try out his newfound idea and finds his wife already in bed as if she were waiting for him.  he jumps in and next thing ya know, they are in the 69 position.  as he's feeling that sudden urge, he reaches under the bed and fires off his starter pistol

the next day, he's back at his doctor's office and the doc asks if his advice worked

not so well the guy answered-as we were in the hot throes of impassioned love making, she got a little rambunctiously ambitious, putting us into the 69 position. as i felt "that urge" coming on, i fired off my starter pistol and...she bit 3 inches off my penis, chit in my face and my next door neighbor comes running out of the closet bare naked with his hands up
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Warrior Code on November 17, 2016, 12:43:46 PM
Is Rick Reilly still out there? I used to love that guy's articles. I'd always flip to the back of SI and read his first.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: rocket surgeon on November 17, 2016, 03:32:02 PM
Is Rick Reilly still out there? I used to love that guy's articles. I'd always flip to the back of SI and read his first.

i think he's semi-retired.  espn might still use him for writing for sports center or something.  that would be weird because reilly was best at writing articles.  that's like asking the incredible hulk to open up a jar of pickles for ya
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on December 08, 2016, 08:16:15 AM
A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.
The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out.
The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.
Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,"What in the world are you doing?"
The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on January 04, 2017, 07:58:40 AM
A woman went to the Doctor’s office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on May 18, 2017, 01:57:43 PM
Skirts at Fox News will be lowered to half mast today for Roger Ailes.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Benny B on May 18, 2017, 02:00:37 PM
Skirts at Fox News will be lowered to half mast today for Roger Ailes.

I think that's where they were supposed to be before he died.  Now they can finally be raised.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on September 21, 2017, 09:24:42 AM
https://i.imgur.com/h4qzYJr.gifv
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on January 08, 2019, 04:13:32 PM
A police officer pulled a car over for speeding.
When he walked up to the car and asked the driver
for his license and registration, the driver said
"OK officer, but I gotta tell you I'm drunk as a skunk."

"Well," said the officer."We'll see about that.
Please step out of the car."

"OK, officer," said the diver.
"But I gotta tell you
that I have a loaded gun in the glove compartment."

"OK,thanks for letting me know"
said the officer, putting his hand on his own gun.
"Now please keep you hands where I can see them
and step out of the car."

"OK, officer," said the driver.
"But I also gotta tell you
that I have a dead body in the trunk too."

Drawing his gun, the officer said:
"Step out of the car! Now!"

"OK," said the driver, as he he climbed out.
The officer immediately put the driver in handcuffs
and had him sit on the curb while he called for backup.

Soon another officer, then a supervisor,
showed up and began searching the car.

They stood the driver up and gave him three
sobriety and breathalizer tests.

Then they confronted the driver.

"So," said the supervisor.
"This officer called us because he said
you were drunk, armed and transporting a dead body.
Sir, there's no gun, there's no dead body,
and you seem to be completely sober."

"Yeah," said the driver.
"And I'll bet the sonofabitch said I was speeding, too!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: MU82 on January 08, 2019, 11:15:53 PM
The Aristocrats!
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: theBabyDavid on January 09, 2019, 12:01:27 AM
A Spaniard, an Italian, and a Greek pitch up in a bar and end up spending all night drinking. Who picks up the tab?


The German
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on February 06, 2019, 01:06:26 PM
A driver is stopped by a police officer.

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 10, 2019, 11:29:07 PM
How did the Norwegian make a counterfeit 100 kroner bill?

He took a 1,000 kroner note and crossed out the last 0



Why do Swedes drink their milk in the store?

Because it says "Open Here" on the carton



Two Finns are sitting in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. They've been drinking for three days straight and they finally run out of booze.

The first Finn says to his mate “Hey, go and look in the tool shed and see if there's anything to drink in there!”

The second Finn comes back with a bottle of methanol, and says “We could drink this, but we'll go blind!”

The first Finn slowly looks around the cottage and out the window, and says “I think we've seen enough, hey.”
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Benny B on February 12, 2019, 02:33:28 PM
What?!?  No Danish jokes?
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 13, 2019, 07:45:52 AM
A Swede, a Finn, and a Dane were lost in the desert when they finally came across an oasis. The oasis had a large pool in it with a high dive diving board which was guarded by a genie.

As the parched, sunburned Scandinavians raced to the pool they saw the genie who told them that if they went off the diving board he would grant each their wish.

The Swede elbowed his way past the others and as he went off the board he told the genie, "I want money!" and landed in a pool full of hundred dollar bills.

The Finn went next and as he jumped he cried out, "I want vodka!", and landed in a pool filled with Finlandia.

The Dane went last. He was trying to act cool as he climbed the ladder but as he ran down the board he slipped and yelled: "OH SH1T!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on February 14, 2019, 01:08:22 PM
Warriorchick and jsglow were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, jsglow got up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asked.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure.."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" warriorchick asked.

"No, I can remember it.."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"

Jsglow said, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that - write it down?" warriorchick asked.

Irritated, jsglow said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, jsglow returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. Warriorchick stared at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: CTWarrior on February 15, 2019, 03:33:11 PM
A silly personal favorite from the late Super Dave/Bob Einstein.

A dentist is closing up shop late one night when man rushes in.

Dentist looks at him and says, "Can I help you?"

The guy says, "I think I'm a moth!"

Dentist (incredulously):  "You think you're a moth?"

Guy:  "Yeah."

Dentist:  "Buddy, you need a psychiatrist!"

Guy:  "Yeah, I know."

Dentist:  "But I'm a dentist!"

Guy:  "Yeah, I know."

Dentist:  "Well, what are you doing here?"

Guy:  "You're light was on."

Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: 4everwarriors on February 16, 2019, 04:59:17 PM
Q: What's the difference between roadkill and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: The roadkill has skidmarks in front of it.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: rocket surgeon on February 16, 2019, 05:22:23 PM
  a guy walks in to a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself-he decides to go over to try to

    strike up a conversation-hello, i noticed you were alone, could i buy you a drink?  she replies yes, so

  he asks her what her name is-she replies, carmen.  he exclaims, what a pretty name, were you named

 after your grandmother?  no she says, it's a name i gave to myself.  the next question of course was
 
 why-to which carmen replies, well, i like cars and men-carmen.  so she asks him what his name is, to
 
   which he replies b.j. titsengolf
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 17, 2019, 09:10:30 PM
Two beggars are camped outside the Vatican. One displays a large cross, the other a Jewish star.

The beggar with the cross has a cup overflowing with money, while the Jewish beggar has only a few coins.

A priest walks by and notices the disparity. He approaches the Jewish beggar.

"Excuse me, but you do realize this is the center of the Catholic world? You'll never raise money with that Star of David on your cup."

The beggar with the star turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, look who's teaching us about marketing!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 17, 2019, 09:15:15 PM
A rabbi, a Hindu Sadhu, and a lawyer went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, "Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."

 The Sadhu said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn."

The rabbi and the lawyer were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Sadhu standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal."

The rabbi said, "No problem, my brother. I'll take the barn.

The Sadhu and the lawyer were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there's a pig in the barn, and I can't sleep beside such a filthy animal."

The lawyer said, "OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good."

The rabbi and the Sadhu were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 17, 2019, 09:21:19 PM
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, and a steak!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 17, 2019, 09:23:02 PM
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"

"We're from the groom's family."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 17, 2019, 09:37:00 PM
A snake slithers into a bar and orders an extra dry Ketel gibson, up.

The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”

The snake asks, “Why not?”

The bartender answers, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 17, 2019, 10:08:17 PM
A Naval Aviator and a Air Force pilot were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a manly swig of beer the muscular Air Force pilot says, 'We bombed the sh1t out of Germany.'

Arching his eyebrows, the Navy puke replies, 'We bombed Japan!'

'Not entirely true', responds the square jawed Air Force pilot. 'The Air Force flew more missions and dropped more bombs on Japan than did the Navy.'

The effeminate sailor hangs his head in shame and mutters, 'Point taken.'

The barrel chested Air Force pilot then says, 'Billy Mitchell wrote the book on air warfare doctrine!'

The scrawny sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones who before getting his commission was a pirate.'

The argument continued until the simple-minded Navy guy comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The handsome Air Force pilot replies, 'That is true, but it was the Air Force who introduced it to women.'
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 17, 2019, 10:17:45 PM
Shortly after President Trump took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama and I've already told you that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 17, 2019, 10:22:27 PM
A crusty old Air Force Colonel found himself at a gala event at a posh hotel, sponsored by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely attractive, idealistic young women in attendance. One of them approached the colonel.

"Excuse me sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time? Or is there something that's bothering you?"

"No, I'm just serious by nature."

Looking over the colonel's ribbons, the young lady said, "You seem to have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, a lot of action," said the colonel somewhat curtly.

Finding it hard work trying to start a conversation with the colonel, the young woman said, "You know, you should lighten up a little . . . relax and enjoy yourself."

This didn't seem to move the colonel, who just looked at her very seriously.

Exasperated, the woman said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955."

"Well no wonder you're the way you are! You really need to chill out a little and quite taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955 is a little extreme!"

"I don't think so, it's only, 2130 now."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 17, 2019, 10:42:15 PM
Aviation Comms Rules

A Wingman is limited to 4 calls:

1. Two's up
2. Lead, you're on fire
3. I've got this round
4. I'll take the fat one


A Nav/WSO is limited to 4 calls:

1. Nice landing, Sir
2. Bingo fuel
3. I'll buy the first round
4. I'll take the fat one
 

A Copilot on a heavy is limited to 4 calls:

1. Clear on the right
2. I'll get your golf clubs, sir
3. Let me buy the next round
4. I'll take the fat one
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Benny B on February 17, 2019, 11:02:42 PM
The argument continued until the simple-minded Navy guy comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The handsome Air Force pilot replies, 'That is true, but it was the Air Force who introduced it to women.'

Replies the Navy guy, “That reminds me, how’d your Article 32 go today?”

FIFY - Finished it for you. 
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 20, 2019, 07:18:21 PM
Stosh had been attending Wisconsin for 9 years and still did not have enough credits to graduate.

At the commencement ceremony, the entire student body began chanting, "Let Stosh graduate, Let Stosh graduate!"

The UW Chancellor decided that if Stosh could pass a one question exam, he would graduate.

The Chancellor said, "You have one chance, Stosh: what is 9x9"?

Stosh beamed and blurted out 81.

A stunned silence followed. Then the entire Wisconsin graduating class began chanting, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 20, 2019, 07:29:00 PM
An Air Force pilot died and, after much consideration, was sent to Hell.

As he was being led down the path, he noticed a Naval Aviator whom he had known back in Iraq. Moreover, he was stunned to see that the Navy guy had one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen draped all over him.

As the Devil began outlining his punishment, the Air Force pilot questioned why was he being subjected to such cruelty while the Navy guy was getting an air start from such a gorgeous woman!

As the devil prodded the Air Force pilot with his pitchfork he cried out, "How dare you question that woman's punishment!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Jon on February 20, 2019, 07:45:33 PM
A gorgeous blonde is driving towards Pensacola in her Maserati when the car breaks down. Fortunately, she happens to be near a house shared by naval aviators.

When she knocks on the door a Navy Captain answers and invites her in.

She tells the senior Naval Officer that, "it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "

"Well," drawls the grizzled navy man, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my two young JO's, Jed and Luke. They are studying for a check ride in the morning."

The voluptuous blonde looks into the room and sees two young men standing behind the salty Navy Captain. She judges them to be in their early twenties.

"Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two junior Navy men in the room next to her. They are clearly not very bright, but they are handsome. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts the condoms on the nervous young naval aviators, and the three of them end up going at it all night long.

Four years later Jed and Luke are sitting in the Squadron Ready Room on board an aircraft carrier, somewhere in the Indian Ocean.

Jed asks, "Luke?"

"Yeah, Jed?"

"You remember that blonde woman about four years ago who showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Lennys Tap on February 22, 2019, 01:00:47 PM
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. Soon thereafter a construction crew turned up and started building a home on the lot.

The family's 4 year old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the crew more or less "adopted"her as kind of a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little odd jobs to make her feel important.

And at the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope with $10 in it.

The little girl took the money home to her Mom, who suggested they take her "pay" to the bank and open a savings account.

The teller at the bank was very impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn a paycheck. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a construction crew building the house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness", replied the teller, "that is wonderful!Will you be working on the house again next week?"

"I will", replied the little girl, If those a$$holes at Home Depot deliver the unnatural carnal knowledge!ng drywall!"
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Benny B on February 22, 2019, 03:03:54 PM
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. Soon thereafter a construction crew turned up and started building a home on the lot.

The family's 4 year old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the crew more or less "adopted"her as kind of a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little odd jobs to make her feel important.

And at the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope with $10 in it.

The little girl took the money home to her Mom, who suggested they take her "pay" to the bank and open a savings account.

The teller at the bank was very impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn a paycheck. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a construction crew building the house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness", replied the teller, "that is wonderful!Will you be working on the house again next week?"

"I will", replied the little girl, If those a$$holes at Home Depot deliver the unnatural carnal knowledge!ng drywall!"

That one is a keeper.  Imma gonna use that one tonight.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Lennys Tap on February 23, 2019, 09:57:16 PM
That one is a keeper.  Imma gonna use that one tonight.

Hope it went over well. It's one of a handful of old standbys that I can still tell without fear of reprisals.
Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: Waldo Jeffers on April 11, 2019, 10:16:23 AM
What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish Highlander?

Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get offa my cloud'

The Scottish Highlander says 'Hey, MacLeod, get offa my ewe!'

Title: Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
Post by: rocket surgeon on April 11, 2019, 06:54:59 PM
here'show they start a narrative north of the mason-dixon-

   "once upon a time..."

here's how they start a narrative south of the mason-dixon-

   "ya'll ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."