collapse

* Resources


UDM 4

* Recent Posts

Recruiting as of 5/15/19 by 4everCrean
[Today at 06:02:29 PM]


2019 Coaching Carousel by rocket surgeon
[Today at 04:26:59 PM]


Wojo/MU story in The Athletic by MU82
[Today at 01:40:20 PM]


Seat Donations and Reseating by LloydsLegs
[Today at 09:40:24 AM]


(OT) Hello Michael Johnson by 4everwarriors
[Today at 08:02:34 AM]


Outsiders View Of Hausers Transfer by brewcity77
[May 18, 2019, 11:51:13 PM]


Expected MH is Candidate by Newsdreams
[May 18, 2019, 11:39:16 PM]

Please Register - It's FREE!

The absolute only thing required for this FREE registration is a valid e-mail address.  We keep all your information confidential and will NEVER give or sell it to anyone else.
Login to get rid of this box (and ads) , or register NOW!


Author Topic: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight  (Read 32673 times)

Waldo Jeffers

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 1697
  • The Gift
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #100 on: April 08, 2016, 10:20:10 AM »
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Waldo Jeffers

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 1697
  • The Gift
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #101 on: November 13, 2016, 10:46:55 AM »
News Update from Canada

The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips. When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?

keefe

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 7876
  • "100%, and then some"
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #102 on: November 13, 2016, 12:57:50 PM »
A ship gets caught in a typhoon in the South Seas and quickly sinks. A man, a sheep, and a sheepdog are the only survivors, washing up on a deserted island.

Months go by during which time the man gets into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds while the tropical breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

Months go by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle tropical breeze - a perfect night for romance.

As the sun dipped beneath the waves the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


Death on call

rocket surgeon

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 2065
  • NA of course
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #103 on: November 13, 2016, 01:02:44 PM »
A ship gets caught in a typhoon in the South Seas and quickly sinks. A man, a sheep, and a sheepdog are the only survivors, washing up on a deserted island.

Months go by during which time the man gets into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds while the tropical breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

Months go by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle tropical breeze - a perfect night for romance.

As the sun dipped beneath the waves the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

keefe

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 7876
  • "100%, and then some"
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #104 on: November 13, 2016, 01:11:32 PM »
During his first term, President Obama emerges from Marine One on the White House lawn with a piglet under his arm.

The squared away Marine guard comes to attention, snaps off a crisp salutes and says to the Commander in Chief: “Nice pig, sir!”

The President replies: “This is not a pig! It is an authentic Arkansas Razorback Hog. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.”

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says: “Excellent trade, SIR!”


Death on call

Lennys Tap

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 9248
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #105 on: November 13, 2016, 01:29:04 PM »
Cocktail hour, an elderly couple sit together on their patio. Sipping her wine, the woman says "I love you SO much, I don't know what I'd do without you." Her husband smiles and replies "Is that you or the wine talking?" "It's me", she assures him. "Me, talking to the wine."

Bo Ryan's Massage Therapist

  • Starter
  • ***
  • Posts: 240
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #106 on: November 13, 2016, 01:37:08 PM »
Q:   What sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A:  ask your mother
“If a player leaves Marquette and doesn’t have some of my blood in him, then I don’t think I’ve done a good job.”  Al McGuire

rocket surgeon

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 2065
  • NA of course
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #107 on: November 13, 2016, 03:36:03 PM »
s kid, his dad and gramps are on the first tee, warming up, waiting to begin their round when the starter

 approaches and asks them if they minded if he adds a 4th to their group.  standing next to him is a very

attractive, blond woman with her hair tied neatly into a pony tail extending out the back of her golf cap.  all 3   

  are quick to respond in unison-absolutely not.  as the blond golfer approaches the 3, she introduces herself,

  thanked them for the opportunity and then said, i only have one request of you gentlemen-with all due

respect, please please don't try to offer me advice during our round.  all 3 nodded in agreement and they

proceeded to allow her to tee off first.  her first shot is brilliantly struck with a slight draw toward the middle of

the fairway about 240 yards out.  the guys looked at each other with a smirk and off they went. 

   well the round went off without much of a hitch and all 4 were safely on the 18th green in regulation.  the

blond

then stopped surveying the green and once again thanked the 3 for allowing her to join their group, thanked

them for heeding her request for not interfering with her play and then exclaimed that if she makes this

birdie putt of about 15 feet, she will have golfed the best round of her life.  so she said, i am willing to take

some guidance and whoever gives her the most accurate reading, she will reward them with the best oral sex

they've ever had in their life.  well, upon hearing that, the teenager sprang forward and stammered-if you hit

this putt with moderate speed, 6 inches to the left of the cup, it should fall right in.  almost before the

youngster could complete his sentence, the dad steps forward, pushing his son out of the way says no no

no.  your ball is definitely going to break right, downhill with the grain,  so hit it with ever so slight club speed

and it will drop right in the bottom of the jar.  gramps looks at both of his boys, shakes his head, walks up

to her ball, picks it up and says, that's a gimme
« Last Edit: November 13, 2016, 04:00:40 PM by rocket surgeon »

keefe

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 7876
  • "100%, and then some"
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #108 on: November 13, 2016, 03:49:12 PM »
A husband and wife are playing golf together when the man's wife is stung by a bee. She immediately collapses as she is deathly allergic.

The husband sprints back to the clubhouse and cries out as he enters, "Is there a doctor in the house??"

As a man raises his hand the husband tells him, "Come quickly! My wife's been stung by a bee!"

"Where was she stung?" asks the doctor.

"Between the first and second holes." shouts the husband.

"Wow!" replies the doctor with genuine amazement. "She must have a very wide stance!!"


Death on call

Benny B

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 5748
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #109 on: November 14, 2016, 10:32:02 AM »
A priest and a nun are golfing.  On the 2nd hole, the priest has a 14-foot putt for birdie and pushes it left.

"God damn, I missed," said the priest.

The nun, flabbergasted at the priest's words, says to the priest "Father, you must not take the Lord's name in vain like that, for if you do, you know as well as I that he will smite you."

The priest minds his words and moves on.  Later, on the 14th hole, the priest once again pushes left on a 10-foot putt for birdie.

"God damn, I missed, " said the priest under his breath.

The nun, with her amplified sense of hearing, overhears and once again repeats her warning to the priest.  The priest reflects on his behavior in disgrace, apologizes and moves on.

On the 18th hole, the priest has a 5-foot putt for eagle and lips it out.  Just then, dark clouds roll in as the priest screams "God damn it... I missed."

Immediately, the clouds crack and a bolt of lighting flails to earth, striking the nun between the eyes and killing her dead.  The priest looks up, and from the heavens rumbles a deep voice:

"Damn, I missed."
Wow, I'm very concerned for Benny.  Being able to mimic Myron Medcalf's writing so closely implies an oncoming case of dementia.

Sir Lawrence

  • Registered User
  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 1604
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #110 on: November 15, 2016, 03:28:05 PM »
Under the Western night sky:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell YOU, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo. Someone stole tent."
Ludum habemus.

keefe

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 7876
  • "100%, and then some"
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #111 on: November 16, 2016, 10:51:05 AM »
Q: How did the gorgeous woman know that her date with the Naval Aviator was finally at least half over?

A: When the Naval Aviator grandly stated, "Enough about me! Let me tell you all about the F 18!"


Death on call

warriorchick

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 6497
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #112 on: November 16, 2016, 11:12:01 AM »
Q: How did the gorgeous woman know that her date with the Naval Aviator was finally at least half over?

A: When the Naval Aviator grandly stated, "Enough about me! Let me tell you all about the F 18!"

Who needs roofies when you can just make the girl fall asleep by talking about your plane?
Have some patience, FFS.

CreanLover

  • Walk-On
  • *
  • Posts: 45
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #113 on: November 16, 2016, 11:16:10 AM »
Who needs roofies when you can just make the girl fall asleep by talking about your plane?
Something tells me there aren't a lot of girls who fall asleep when a guy talks about "his" plane.

warriorchick

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 6497
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #114 on: November 16, 2016, 11:25:14 AM »
Something tells me there aren't a lot of girls who fall asleep when a guy talks about "his" plane.

You obviously don't know women very well.
Have some patience, FFS.

Benny B

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 5748
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #115 on: November 16, 2016, 11:42:40 AM »
You obviously don't know women very well.

In fairness, I would think the odds are in favor of women being asleep long before keefe even got around to talking about it.
Wow, I'm very concerned for Benny.  Being able to mimic Myron Medcalf's writing so closely implies an oncoming case of dementia.

keefe

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 7876
  • "100%, and then some"
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #116 on: November 16, 2016, 01:40:17 PM »
You obviously don't know women very well.

Well, Chick, there are women...and then there are WOMEN!


Death on call

keefe

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 7876
  • "100%, and then some"
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #117 on: November 16, 2016, 01:48:17 PM »
A true story of how Call Signs are born:

BANANAS & MILKDUDS

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated...He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat.. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to 'Milk Duds' , your sense of humor is seriously broken. 

This message is for America 's most famous athletes:
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam . 

Change your name. 

Fake your own death! 

Whatever you do. 

Do Not Go!!! 

I know. 

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would
be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach .. 

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. 

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'. Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, 'We have liftoff'. 

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie.

I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. 

'Bananas,' he said.

'For the potassium?' I asked.

'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.' 

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot.  But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it. 

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately rendered unconscious. 

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. 

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. 

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5,which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas. 

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that. 

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. 

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that I never thought would be egressed. 

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock
bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down. 

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really now 'cool'. 

Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand. 

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighter pilots had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit. 

What is it? I asked.

'Two Bags.'


Death on call

rocket surgeon

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 2065
  • NA of course
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #118 on: November 16, 2016, 06:18:54 PM »
damn that was funny-the O2 mask came down from the ceiling i was laughing so hard while my wife was on the phone with my counselor-good stuff!

rocket surgeon

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 2065
  • NA of course
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #119 on: November 16, 2016, 07:04:53 PM »
a guy is having a physical when his doc asks him how his sex life is.  not so good replies the guy.  my wife has been calling me the minute man as of late.  hmm, says the doc, what you need is something to distract you when that "moment" arrives.

so the guy is on his way home.  as he passes a gun store, a thought goes thru his head-hey, if i get a starter pistol, that could be the distraction i need.  so he rushes home to try out his newfound idea and finds his wife already in bed as if she were waiting for him.  he jumps in and next thing ya know, they are in the 69 position.  as he's feeling that sudden urge, he reaches under the bed and fires off his starter pistol

the next day, he's back at his doctor's office and the doc asks if his advice worked

not so well the guy answered-as we were in the hot throes of impassioned love making, she got a little rambunctiously ambitious, putting us into the 69 position. as i felt "that urge" coming on, i fired off my starter pistol and...she bit 3 inches off my penis, chit in my face and my next door neighbor comes running out of the closet bare naked with his hands up

Warrior Code

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 627
  • Undefeated since 1960
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #120 on: November 17, 2016, 12:43:46 PM »
Is Rick Reilly still out there? I used to love that guy's articles. I'd always flip to the back of SI and read his first.
Signature:
Signatures are displayed at the bottom of each post or personal message. BBCode and smileys may be used in your signature.

rocket surgeon

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 2065
  • NA of course
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #121 on: November 17, 2016, 03:32:02 PM »
Is Rick Reilly still out there? I used to love that guy's articles. I'd always flip to the back of SI and read his first.

i think he's semi-retired.  espn might still use him for writing for sports center or something.  that would be weird because reilly was best at writing articles.  that's like asking the incredible hulk to open up a jar of pickles for ya

Waldo Jeffers

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 1697
  • The Gift
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #122 on: December 08, 2016, 08:16:15 AM »
A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.
The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out.
The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.
Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,"What in the world are you doing?"
The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?

Waldo Jeffers

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 1697
  • The Gift
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #123 on: January 04, 2017, 07:58:40 AM »
A woman went to the Doctor’s office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Waldo Jeffers

  • All American
  • *****
  • Posts: 1697
  • The Gift
Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #124 on: May 18, 2017, 01:57:43 PM »
Skirts at Fox News will be lowered to half mast today for Roger Ailes.