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Author Topic: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight  (Read 32674 times)

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #75 on: September 22, 2014, 03:29:57 PM »
My priest told this joke during his homily a month or two back

Bless you my son, the secret of my identity is out!

77ncaachamps

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #76 on: September 22, 2014, 07:37:33 PM »
Crean's a wonderful coach and an even better human bein'.

You stole this from Joyce Meyer.

Or Rick Warren.
[This space reserved for a Jordan King highlight.]

4everwarriors

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #77 on: September 22, 2014, 07:40:49 PM »
Some would say Dwyane Wade, hey?
"Give 'Em Hell, Al"

CTWarrior

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #78 on: September 23, 2014, 07:40:36 AM »
My priest told this joke during his homily a month or two back

Strange, my priest in Connecticut told this exact joke in a homily 6-12 months ago.  Don't remember how he worked it into his message that day.  I wonder if priests have a common source for homily ideas, etc.  I suppose they probably do.
Calvin:  I'm a genius.  But I'm a misunderstood genius. 
Hobbes:  What's misunderstood about you?
Calvin:  Nobody thinks I'm a genius.

warriorchick

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #79 on: September 23, 2014, 08:45:53 AM »
Strange, my priest in Connecticut told this exact joke in a homily 6-12 months ago.  Don't remember how he worked it into his message that day.  I wonder if priests have a common source for homily ideas, etc.  I suppose they probably do.

My guess is that some sort of "sermon ideas" website exists that contains jokes that tie into the theme of that day's Gospel.

Our priest likes to start off with a joke as well.  I think most of them are from his native India, and they get lost a little in translation. 
Have some patience, FFS.

Benny B

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #80 on: September 23, 2014, 09:16:40 AM »
Yeah... there's got to be some sharing going on with sermons. A few years ago, I went to two baptisms in two states (two different dioceses) in one weekend - one was a Saturday evening mass and the other a Sunday morning mass.  Of course, the readings were the same, but the homilies were eerily similar.
Wow, I'm very concerned for Benny.  Being able to mimic Myron Medcalf's writing so closely implies an oncoming case of dementia.

MU Fan in Connecticut

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #81 on: September 23, 2014, 09:32:39 AM »
The recycled homily - 6 months or so ago our priest gave a homily that to paraphrase began "Hollywood is making many scary movies these days like Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc...."  - well, with these days being 30 years ago.

Coleman

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #82 on: September 23, 2014, 09:33:59 AM »
Yeah... there's got to be some sharing going on with sermons. A few years ago, I went to two baptisms in two states (two different dioceses) in one weekend - one was a Saturday evening mass and the other a Sunday morning mass.  Of course, the readings were the same, but the homilies were eerily similar.

There are "homily help" websites and books for priests. I'm sure the priests were consulting the same thing when preparing their homilies.

50 years ago most parishes had 3 or 4 priests. Now, most priests serve multiple parishes alone, oversee schools, or wear other multiple hats and don't have time to sit down and plan out homilies. This is an unfortunate fact, and a reason why I think they should let talented and dedicated deacons and laypeople preach for a start, as well as seriously consider a married priesthood.
« Last Edit: September 23, 2014, 09:36:25 AM by Bleutellenson »

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #83 on: February 21, 2015, 09:33:11 AM »
Arriving In Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"

wadesworld

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #84 on: February 21, 2015, 10:33:30 AM »
How do you get a Bears fan to stop jerking off?

Paint his dick green and gold. He won't beat it for years.

Sir Lawrence

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #85 on: February 21, 2015, 10:49:58 AM »
Four guys have been going on the same golf outing to Hilton Head for years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but there’s not much they can do about it.

Two days later, the three pull up to the clubhouse only to find Jack sitting at the bar with a round of drinks set up, and a wide grin.

"What the heck, Jack, how long you been here, and how on earth did you talk your wife into letting you go!?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.  Yesterday afternoon, I was sitting in my recliner and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, "Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.


She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.  I knew that she had been reading '50 Shades of Grey'......   On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff  her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!


Ludum habemus.

rocket surgeon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #86 on: February 21, 2015, 05:46:34 PM »


    a guy and his wife are golfing, the guy-we'll name him fred, is having the round of his life.  on the 18th hole, his tee shot lands in the parking lot with the clubhouse between his ball and the green.  studying his lie and potential shots to the green, fred begins to pull out his 9 iron in preparation to launch his ball over the clubhouse, onto the green in an attempt to save par.  suddenly his wife yells out-fred fred wait, i'll open the front door and the back door of the clubhouse, use your 3 iron and punch it through, onto the green.  wow, what a great idea he thinks.  well, things didn't quite work out so well as he shanked his shot, his ball hits the rain gutter of the clubhouse and ricochets into the head of his wife and kills her on the spot
 
   well a few weeks go by and fred is back on the golf course, playing that infamous 18th hole with his close friend burt.  again he has a great round going and he hooks his tee shot into the parking lot behind the clubhouse.  while he is eyeing his possibilities, he begins pulling out his 9 iron...burt yells out-fred fred, i'm going to open the front and back door of the clubhouse, use your 3 iron and punch it on through.  fred pauses and says, come on burt, i tried that shot a few weeks ago and double bogied the damn hole

Blackhat

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #87 on: February 21, 2015, 06:36:01 PM »
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive” The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #88 on: April 01, 2015, 07:51:51 AM »
An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so
he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your
treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to
his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to
recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Blackhat

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #89 on: April 05, 2015, 03:44:25 PM »
The late, great, country comedian, Jerry Clower, spun some funny yarns in his day. My favorite was his coon huntin story.

 Long story short, Jerry and his buddy went on a night coon hunt with a neighbor, Mr. Barron, and his hired hand, John Eubanks. John was known far and wide for his ability to climb trees. John believed in giving the coons a sporting chance. When pack of hounds treed a coon, John didn’t believe in shooting it out of the tree. Instead, he’d climb the tree and poke the coon with a sharp stick and knock him down amongst the dogs. The coon at least had the option of whooping all the dogs and getting away. The outcome was entirely up to the coon.

This dark night, things were going according to script until John, high up in a huge tree, poked the treed coon with his sharp stick, and the coon turned out to be a lynx, what they called a souped-up wild cat around those parts. Instead of falling, the lynx stood his ground, so to speak, and started making minced meat out of poor old John. John yelled down to Mr. Barron, who had a pistol, “Shoot this thang, shoot this thang—it’s killing me."
Mr. Barron yelled back, “I can’t shoot it, I might hit you.”
“Shoot this thang.”
“ Can’t, might hit you.”
Finally, in desperation, John yelled down, “Well, just shoot up in here amongst us. One of us got to have some relief.”

Bo Ryan's Massage Therapist

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #90 on: April 05, 2015, 09:44:51 PM »
What's the difference between hard and light?
You can sleep with a light on
“If a player leaves Marquette and doesn’t have some of my blood in him, then I don’t think I’ve done a good job.”  Al McGuire

keefe

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #91 on: April 06, 2015, 01:02:30 AM »
A priest dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in Ray Ban aviators, a Hawaiian shirt, leather flight jacket, and reeking of Brut, cheap perfume, and spilled beer.

St Peter asks the odd character, 'Who are you, and what business have you with the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The fellow replies, 'My call sign is Blister, former F 18 Driver and United Airlines pilot out of ORD.'

St Peter scans his list, breaks into a huge grin, and warmly welcomes the Naval Aviator saying, 'Here is your silken robe, Blister, and a solid gold staff. Please take the VIP taxiway to starboard. Welcome to heaven, Captain!

The priest is next. The Reverend walks up to the velvet rope and cries out, 'I am Fr Michael, pastor of St Cecilia's parish for the past 60 years!'

St Peter consults his list and says to the priest,  'Find a cotton robe off that rack and take a wooden staff out of that barrel. Next!'

'Wait a minute,' says the Father. 'That man, that Naval Aviator, reeking of tart and of alcohol...he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get common cotton and wood. How can this be?'

'First thing you need to know is that here in Heaven we go by results,' explains St Peter. 'You preached and people slept. When that pilot flew, people prayed...'


Death on call

KenoshaWarrior

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #92 on: April 06, 2015, 10:05:46 AM »
Kept it classy so after a little wine and the bread i went with:

So what's the dirtiest thing ever said on TV?
Anybody? 

"Ward, weren't you a little rough on the beaver last night?"

Great line from Revenge of the Nerds

warriorchick

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #93 on: April 06, 2015, 10:27:19 AM »
A man and his wife shared a great love for golf.  Over the many decades of their marriage, they traveled the world and played all of the great courses together - St. Andrews, Pebble Beach, Royal Melbourne....
Alas, the wife took ill, and on her deathbed, she motioned her husband closer so he could hear her.
"My darling," she said weakly, "We have had many wonderful years together. It is not right that you should be alone now.  After I go, I want you to remarry."
The husband protested, "My love, how can you even think about that!"
"It's okay. You have my full blessing," she replied.  "And because I know you would only marry someone who shared our love of golf, I want you to give her my golf clubs."
"No, honey, I can't!"
"My darling, I insist.  They are a very nice set, among the best money can buy.  It will give me much pleasure to know that someone you love will be enjoying them."
"But, you don't understand!"
"What is it, darling?"
"She's left-handed."

Have some patience, FFS.

Benny B

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #94 on: April 06, 2015, 12:08:57 PM »
A priest dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in Ray Ban aviators, a Hawaiian shirt, leather flight jacket, and reeking of Brut, cheap perfume, and spilled beer.

St Peter asks the odd character, 'Who are you, and what business have you with the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The fellow replies, 'My call sign is Blister, former F 18 Driver and United Airlines pilot out of ORD.'

St Peter scans his list, breaks into a huge grin, and warmly welcomes the Naval Aviator saying, 'Here is your silken robe, Blister, and a solid gold staff. Please take the VIP taxiway to starboard. Welcome to heaven, Captain!

The priest is next. The Reverend walks up to the velvet rope and cries out, 'I am Fr Michael, pastor of St Cecilia's parish for the past 60 years!'

St Peter consults his list and says to the priest,  'Find a cotton robe off that rack and take a wooden staff out of that barrel. Next!'

'Wait a minute,' says the Father. 'That man, that Naval Aviator, reeking of tart and of alcohol...he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get common cotton and wood. How can this be?'

'First thing you need to know is that here in Heaven we go by results,' explains St Peter. 'You preached and people slept. When that pilot flew, people prayed...'


Too soon?

http://host.madison.com/news/local/obituaries/richel-the-rev-michael-clarence/article_87d17bdd-3c71-5671-888b-5918cff38bd2.html
Wow, I'm very concerned for Benny.  Being able to mimic Myron Medcalf's writing so closely implies an oncoming case of dementia.


4everwarriors

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #96 on: April 14, 2015, 09:08:28 PM »
Q: Why are jokes about German sausages never funny?

A: Because they're the wurst.
"Give 'Em Hell, Al"

WellsstreetWanderer

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #97 on: April 14, 2015, 09:38:13 PM »
Paddy leaves the Pub one night and gets in his car. As he drives down the road the car is jerked left, then right as he has a terrible  time keeping it straight. The Guarda sees him and pulls him over. "Paddy have you been drinking down at the Pub?" says the officer. "Well, I might have had a pint or two with the Boyos" he says. " Well, Paddy, I saw your wife fall out of the car about a half mile back"  "Sweet Jesus Mercy! And I thought I was deaf!"

wildbill sb

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #98 on: April 14, 2015, 09:51:18 PM »
 These are so lame.  Still waiting. I've got a good golf joke that needs to be reworded a bit.  Not sure how that can be accomplished.  Want to hear it?
“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”  - Doug Sanders, professional golfer

4everwarriors

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #99 on: April 15, 2015, 08:25:10 AM »
Bring it on ,hey?
"Give 'Em Hell, Al"