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Author Topic: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight  (Read 33701 times)

Benny B

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #125 on: May 18, 2017, 02:00:37 PM »
Skirts at Fox News will be lowered to half mast today for Roger Ailes.

I think that's where they were supposed to be before he died.  Now they can finally be raised.
Wow, I'm very concerned for Benny.  Being able to mimic Myron Medcalf's writing so closely implies an oncoming case of dementia.

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #126 on: September 21, 2017, 09:24:42 AM »

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #127 on: January 08, 2019, 04:13:32 PM »
A police officer pulled a car over for speeding.
When he walked up to the car and asked the driver
for his license and registration, the driver said
"OK officer, but I gotta tell you I'm drunk as a skunk."

"Well," said the officer."We'll see about that.
Please step out of the car."

"OK, officer," said the diver.
"But I gotta tell you
that I have a loaded gun in the glove compartment."

"OK,thanks for letting me know"
said the officer, putting his hand on his own gun.
"Now please keep you hands where I can see them
and step out of the car."

"OK, officer," said the driver.
"But I also gotta tell you
that I have a dead body in the trunk too."

Drawing his gun, the officer said:
"Step out of the car! Now!"

"OK," said the driver, as he he climbed out.
The officer immediately put the driver in handcuffs
and had him sit on the curb while he called for backup.

Soon another officer, then a supervisor,
showed up and began searching the car.

They stood the driver up and gave him three
sobriety and breathalizer tests.

Then they confronted the driver.

"So," said the supervisor.
"This officer called us because he said
you were drunk, armed and transporting a dead body.
Sir, there's no gun, there's no dead body,
and you seem to be completely sober."

"Yeah," said the driver.
"And I'll bet the sonofabitch said I was speeding, too!"

MU82

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #128 on: January 08, 2019, 11:15:53 PM »
The Aristocrats!
"I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit."

-- Navin R. Johnson

theBabyDavid

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #129 on: January 09, 2019, 12:01:27 AM »
A Spaniard, an Italian, and a Greek pitch up in a bar and end up spending all night drinking. Who picks up the tab?


The German
"I don't care what Chick says, my mom's a babe" 

theBabyDavid

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #130 on: February 06, 2019, 01:06:26 PM »
A driver is stopped by a police officer.

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #131 on: February 10, 2019, 11:29:07 PM »
How did the Norwegian make a counterfeit 100 kroner bill?

He took a 1,000 kroner note and crossed out the last 0



Why do Swedes drink their milk in the store?

Because it says "Open Here" on the carton



Two Finns are sitting in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. They've been drinking for three days straight and they finally run out of booze.

The first Finn says to his mate “Hey, go and look in the tool shed and see if there's anything to drink in there!”

The second Finn comes back with a bottle of methanol, and says “We could drink this, but we'll go blind!”

The first Finn slowly looks around the cottage and out the window, and says “I think we've seen enough, hey.”

Benny B

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #132 on: February 12, 2019, 02:33:28 PM »
What?!?  No Danish jokes?
Wow, I'm very concerned for Benny.  Being able to mimic Myron Medcalf's writing so closely implies an oncoming case of dementia.

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #133 on: February 13, 2019, 07:45:52 AM »
A Swede, a Finn, and a Dane were lost in the desert when they finally came across an oasis. The oasis had a large pool in it with a high dive diving board which was guarded by a genie.

As the parched, sunburned Scandinavians raced to the pool they saw the genie who told them that if they went off the diving board he would grant each their wish.

The Swede elbowed his way past the others and as he went off the board he told the genie, "I want money!" and landed in a pool full of hundred dollar bills.

The Finn went next and as he jumped he cried out, "I want vodka!", and landed in a pool filled with Finlandia.

The Dane went last. He was trying to act cool as he climbed the ladder but as he ran down the board he slipped and yelled: "OH SH1T!"

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #134 on: February 14, 2019, 01:08:22 PM »
Warriorchick and jsglow were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, jsglow got up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asked.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure.."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" warriorchick asked.

"No, I can remember it.."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"

Jsglow said, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that - write it down?" warriorchick asked.

Irritated, jsglow said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, jsglow returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. Warriorchick stared at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"

CTWarrior

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #135 on: February 15, 2019, 03:33:11 PM »
A silly personal favorite from the late Super Dave/Bob Einstein.

A dentist is closing up shop late one night when man rushes in.

Dentist looks at him and says, "Can I help you?"

The guy says, "I think I'm a moth!"

Dentist (incredulously):  "You think you're a moth?"

Guy:  "Yeah."

Dentist:  "Buddy, you need a psychiatrist!"

Guy:  "Yeah, I know."

Dentist:  "But I'm a dentist!"

Guy:  "Yeah, I know."

Dentist:  "Well, what are you doing here?"

Guy:  "You're light was on."

Calvin:  I'm a genius.  But I'm a misunderstood genius. 
Hobbes:  What's misunderstood about you?
Calvin:  Nobody thinks I'm a genius.

4everwarriors

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #136 on: February 16, 2019, 04:59:17 PM »
Q: What's the difference between roadkill and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: The roadkill has skidmarks in front of it.
"Give 'Em Hell, Al"

rocket surgeon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #137 on: February 16, 2019, 05:22:23 PM »
  a guy walks in to a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself-he decides to go over to try to

    strike up a conversation-hello, i noticed you were alone, could i buy you a drink?  she replies yes, so

  he asks her what her name is-she replies, carmen.  he exclaims, what a pretty name, were you named

 after your grandmother?  no she says, it's a name i gave to myself.  the next question of course was
 
 why-to which carmen replies, well, i like cars and men-carmen.  so she asks him what his name is, to
 
   which he replies b.j. titsengolf

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #138 on: February 17, 2019, 09:10:30 PM »
Two beggars are camped outside the Vatican. One displays a large cross, the other a Jewish star.

The beggar with the cross has a cup overflowing with money, while the Jewish beggar has only a few coins.

A priest walks by and notices the disparity. He approaches the Jewish beggar.

"Excuse me, but you do realize this is the center of the Catholic world? You'll never raise money with that Star of David on your cup."

The beggar with the star turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, look who's teaching us about marketing!"

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #139 on: February 17, 2019, 09:15:15 PM »
A rabbi, a Hindu Sadhu, and a lawyer went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, "Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."

 The Sadhu said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn."

The rabbi and the lawyer were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Sadhu standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal."

The rabbi said, "No problem, my brother. I'll take the barn.

The Sadhu and the lawyer were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there's a pig in the barn, and I can't sleep beside such a filthy animal."

The lawyer said, "OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good."

The rabbi and the Sadhu were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #140 on: February 17, 2019, 09:21:19 PM »
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, and a steak!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #141 on: February 17, 2019, 09:23:02 PM »
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"

"We're from the groom's family."

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #142 on: February 17, 2019, 09:37:00 PM »
A snake slithers into a bar and orders an extra dry Ketel gibson, up.

The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”

The snake asks, “Why not?”

The bartender answers, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #143 on: February 17, 2019, 10:08:17 PM »
A Naval Aviator and a Air Force pilot were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a manly swig of beer the muscular Air Force pilot says, 'We bombed the sh1t out of Germany.'

Arching his eyebrows, the Navy puke replies, 'We bombed Japan!'

'Not entirely true', responds the square jawed Air Force pilot. 'The Air Force flew more missions and dropped more bombs on Japan than did the Navy.'

The effeminate sailor hangs his head in shame and mutters, 'Point taken.'

The barrel chested Air Force pilot then says, 'Billy Mitchell wrote the book on air warfare doctrine!'

The scrawny sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones who before getting his commission was a pirate.'

The argument continued until the simple-minded Navy guy comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The handsome Air Force pilot replies, 'That is true, but it was the Air Force who introduced it to women.'
« Last Edit: February 17, 2019, 10:12:20 PM by Jon »

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #144 on: February 17, 2019, 10:17:45 PM »
Shortly after President Trump took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama and I've already told you that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #145 on: February 17, 2019, 10:22:27 PM »
A crusty old Air Force Colonel found himself at a gala event at a posh hotel, sponsored by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely attractive, idealistic young women in attendance. One of them approached the colonel.

"Excuse me sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time? Or is there something that's bothering you?"

"No, I'm just serious by nature."

Looking over the colonel's ribbons, the young lady said, "You seem to have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, a lot of action," said the colonel somewhat curtly.

Finding it hard work trying to start a conversation with the colonel, the young woman said, "You know, you should lighten up a little . . . relax and enjoy yourself."

This didn't seem to move the colonel, who just looked at her very seriously.

Exasperated, the woman said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955."

"Well no wonder you're the way you are! You really need to chill out a little and quite taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955 is a little extreme!"

"I don't think so, it's only, 2130 now."

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #146 on: February 17, 2019, 10:42:15 PM »
Aviation Comms Rules

A Wingman is limited to 4 calls:

1. Two's up
2. Lead, you're on fire
3. I've got this round
4. I'll take the fat one


A Nav/WSO is limited to 4 calls:

1. Nice landing, Sir
2. Bingo fuel
3. I'll buy the first round
4. I'll take the fat one
 

A Copilot on a heavy is limited to 4 calls:

1. Clear on the right
2. I'll get your golf clubs, sir
3. Let me buy the next round
4. I'll take the fat one

Benny B

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #147 on: February 17, 2019, 11:02:42 PM »
The argument continued until the simple-minded Navy guy comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The handsome Air Force pilot replies, 'That is true, but it was the Air Force who introduced it to women.'

Replies the Navy guy, “That reminds me, how’d your Article 32 go today?”

FIFY - Finished it for you. 
Wow, I'm very concerned for Benny.  Being able to mimic Myron Medcalf's writing so closely implies an oncoming case of dementia.

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #148 on: February 20, 2019, 07:18:21 PM »
Stosh had been attending Wisconsin for 9 years and still did not have enough credits to graduate.

At the commencement ceremony, the entire student body began chanting, "Let Stosh graduate, Let Stosh graduate!"

The UW Chancellor decided that if Stosh could pass a one question exam, he would graduate.

The Chancellor said, "You have one chance, Stosh: what is 9x9"?

Stosh beamed and blurted out 81.

A stunned silence followed. Then the entire Wisconsin graduating class began chanting, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Jon

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #149 on: February 20, 2019, 07:29:00 PM »
An Air Force pilot died and, after much consideration, was sent to Hell.

As he was being led down the path, he noticed a Naval Aviator whom he had known back in Iraq. Moreover, he was stunned to see that the Navy guy had one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen draped all over him.

As the Devil began outlining his punishment, the Air Force pilot questioned why was he being subjected to such cruelty while the Navy guy was getting an air start from such a gorgeous woman!

As the devil prodded the Air Force pilot with his pitchfork he cried out, "How dare you question that woman's punishment!"