Dad jokes

[Scoop Snoop]

Dogs prepare you for babies.

Cats prepare you for teenagers.

[tower912]

So proud of my 19 year old for delivering a really good one.   His summer job is maintenance for a county park.  Our neighbor asked how his job is going.

Tom Petty said it best. (pause)   

The weeding is the hardest part.



 

[Scoop Snoop]

To be frank, I'd have to change my name.

[JWags85]

Speaking with friend/customer this weekend at an event.  He's a huge 6'4 250lb South African, hilarious and charming, but always had a bit of a raunchy sense of humor as such. So I expect that from his jokes.  But this one was pretty clean...

A man is talking to his wife, who has put on some weight and is sensitive about it.  She buys a new dress and is asking him to give his opinion.  He's cautious, knows what the stakes, they've had fights about his comments or opinions on clothes and weight.

Wife: "Tell me how this dress looks?  Do I look fat?"
Husband: "Whatever I say you're not going to like it.  I'd rather not give an opinion, good or bad"
Wife: "No, just tell me, be honest.  I promise I won't be upset regardless."
Husband: "So I can say whatever I wan't and you won't get mad, hold it against me, or start a fight?"
Wife:  "Yes, I promise, you can say it"
Husband: "Ok great...I bought a new motorcycle"

Right after, his wife (who was also working the show) popped her head around the wall and said "I hate that joke"   

[Scoop Snoop]

Speaking with friend/customer this weekend at an event.  He's a huge 6'4 250lb South African, hilarious and charming, but always had a bit of a raunchy sense of humor as such. So I expect that from his jokes.  But this one was pretty clean...

A man is talking to his wife, who has put on some weight and is sensitive about it.  She buys a new dress and is asking him to give his opinion.  He's cautious, knows what the stakes, they've had fights about his comments or opinions on clothes and weight.

Wife: "Tell me how this dress looks?  Do I look fat?"
Husband: "Whatever I say you're not going to like it.  I'd rather not give an opinion, good or bad"
Wife: "No, just tell me, be honest.  I promise I won't be upset regardless."
Husband: "So I can say whatever I wan't and you won't get mad, hold it against me, or start a fight?"
Wife:  "Yes, I promise, you can say it"
Husband: "Ok great...I bought a new motorcycle"

Right after, his wife (who was also working the show) popped her head around the wall and said "I hate that joke"   

A comic strip featuring girlfriend/boyfriend characters had a variation of the first part of your joke. The GF is trying on a new dress at a store and asks her BF "Does this dress make me look fat?"

He starts off great. "No, that dress does not make you look fat."

But then....as is so often the case with boyfriends... he doesn't know when to shut up.

"Maybe it's all the dairy items that you eat."

[MU82]

Why did the whale blush?


He saw the ocean bottom.

[Jay Bee]

A playing partnered in my Thursday retired firefighter golf group came up with a really good line today.  Gave me the nickname Habanero, since that is the first thing he could think of that burns more lips than I do.

#pawz

[MU82]

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Customer: Why would I want two empty glasses?

+++

Teacher: 85% of Americans don't know how to do basic math.

Student: Thank God I'm part of the other 25%.

[tower912]

What do you call a man who hates to have his back rubbed by women?


A massage-onist

[Uncle Rico]

What do you call a man who hates to have his back rubbed by women?


A massage-onist

I thought the answer was going to be "evangelical"