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Author Topic: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight  (Read 34379 times)

Blackhat

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Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« on: February 12, 2011, 04:55:15 PM »
to impress my girlfriend's parents over dinner??


All my hooker jokes might be too formal.

ZiggysFryBoy

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2011, 05:08:26 PM »
to impress my girlfriend's parents over dinner??


All my hooker jokes might be too formal.

The Aristocrats!  Get's em every time.  Especially the mom.
Unless Sultan says differently that is, then we’d obviously have to go with that....

--Lighthouse 84, 9/16/18

wildbill sb

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2011, 06:24:35 PM »
Try some of theser Borscht Belt one-liners:

 
* I just got  back from a pleasure trip. I took my  mother-in-law to the  airport.

*  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever  finds out, she'll kill me!
 
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
 
 * Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be  reporting it. The  thief spends
less than my wife  did.
 
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she  shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we  spent our wedding  night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My  wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the  Dead Sea  .
 
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was  only for the  estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud  fell off.
   
*  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back. " Mrs. Cohen answered,  "So did my arthritis!"
 
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"   
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See!  What did I tell you?"
 
*  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
 
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
 
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've been  brought here  for drinking."
 
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
 
* Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

 
* The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like  Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won
Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
 
* There is a big controversy on the Jewish  view of when life begins.  In Jewish tradition, the fetus  is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
 
* Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
 
 A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
 
* Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole  officers?
 
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
 

* A man called his mother in  Florida, 
 
"Mom, how are you?"
 
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've  been very weak."
 
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said,  "Because I haven't eaten in 38
days."
 
The son said, "That's terrible.
 
Why  haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
 
The mother answered,  "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
 
 
* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, 
 
"What part is it?"
 
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." 
 
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a  speaking part."

 
* Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to  change a light bulb?
 
 A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
 

* Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
 
They tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat.
 

* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a  Jewish mother on the  street and said, "Lady, I  haven't eaten in three days."
 
"Force  yourself," she replied.
 

* Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
 
 A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
 

* Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
 
 A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20%  off. 

 

“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”  - Doug Sanders, professional golfer

ZiggysFryBoy

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2011, 09:59:58 AM »
How was dinner?

Another good one, for next time, is to show them the "baby robin's nest."
Unless Sultan says differently that is, then we’d obviously have to go with that....

--Lighthouse 84, 9/16/18

Blackhat

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2011, 07:57:14 PM »
Kept it classy so after a little wine and the bread i went with:

So what's the dirtiest thing ever said on TV?
Anybody? 

"Ward, weren't you a little rough on the beaver last night?"

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2012, 01:19:23 PM »
any pilots around here?  ;D

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it's sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore

P: Electrical governor is broke
S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano

P: Air conditioning motor makes a loud squeal like my mother-in-law.
S: recommend divorce


real chili 83

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2012, 09:57:09 PM »
Why don't women wear a watch...because there's a clock on the oven.

Why do the polish end their name in "ski"?   Because they can't spell toboggan! 

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2012, 09:18:30 AM »
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..'
He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord..'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
A last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2012, 09:19:39 AM »
James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.

James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”

St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”

“Never” replies James.

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting the bed!"

Waldo Jeffers

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2012, 09:20:44 AM »
I haven't quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never really figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't fee like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Blue Horseshoe

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2012, 09:49:13 AM »
The open mic thread has officially started.

MUMac

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2012, 03:01:29 PM »
Two Irishmen left a bar.    No, really, it could happen.

WI inferiority Complexes

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2012, 04:06:02 PM »
I don't know how anyone can joke at a time like this, with the BOT not respecting MU basketball, The Big East becoming Conference USA II, and some banned poster possibly creating a new screen name.

SaintPaulWarrior

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2012, 04:27:53 PM »
Two Irishmen left a bar.    No, really, it could happen.

They must have been having a nice fight.

Blue Horseshoe

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2012, 04:42:45 PM »
I don't know how anyone can joke at a time like this, with the BOT not respecting MU basketball

Not uncommon. They should all have been fired after the Marquette Gold disaster. It was actually a fantastic practical joke played on common sense.

4everwarriors

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #15 on: May 16, 2012, 07:25:46 PM »
Did ya hear the one 'bout Marquette changin' it's nickname?
"Give 'Em Hell, Al"

real chili 83

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #16 on: May 17, 2012, 07:21:12 AM »
How many Packer fans does it take to change a light bulb?

Three.  One to change the bulb, and the other two to talk about how good the old one was.

Otule's Glass Eye

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #17 on: May 19, 2012, 02:47:48 PM »
So a Kentucky girl goes up to her dad and asks, "Daddy can I borrow the pickup truck?'' And he says, "Only if you suck my dick." She says, "But daddy I don't wanna suck yer dick." He says, "If ya want the truck, you'll do it." She finally agrees to do it and while she is sucking his dick she says, "Ehh daddy yer dick tastes like sheeeit." And he says, "Yeah, yer brother needed the truck this mornin'."

Chicago_inferiority_complexes

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #18 on: May 19, 2012, 06:35:02 PM »
How many Packer fans does it take to change a light bulb?

Three.  One to change the bulb, and the other two to talk about how good the old one was.

Wow. I'm going to start using this. Not bad.

wildbillsb

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #19 on: May 19, 2012, 07:49:41 PM »
Thousands of comedians out of work, and you people try to make jokes? 
Peace begins with a smile.  -  Mother Teresa

wojosdojo

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #20 on: May 19, 2012, 10:13:48 PM »
Q: What is green and has wheels?
A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.

wyzgy

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #21 on: May 20, 2012, 06:12:55 AM »
a husband is sitting in his living room on a sunday afternoon watching football tossing peanuts into the air, catching them in his mouth while he carries on a conversation with his wife who is in the kitchen cooking.  suddenly his wife sneaks up behind him, startles him just as he throws another peanut in the air and it falls into his ear.  son of a...b... and he can't get it out.  he tries and tries and it keeps going in further until they both decide they better go to urgent care.  as they are leaving, in comes their daughter, lolita with her  new boyfriend.  what's going on asks his daughter?  they tell them the story and the new boyfriend, mitch says i can get that peanut out!  husband and wife look at each other quizically and reluctantly accept his offer.  mitch leads him back over to the couch and places his two fingers into the husbands nose and commands him to blow real hard...ptoing, the peanut goes flying out of his ear.  wow!!  the husband is ecstatic, saving him an embarassing trip to urgent care and not missing anymore football.  mitch and lolita continue on up to her bedroom to "study" while the husband and wife are still in shock and relief.  the wife exclaims, gee, i'm starting to warm up to mitch a little, i think he's good for lolita, what do you think he's going to do with his life she asks her husband?  well the husband replied, from the smell of his fingers,  he better be thinking about marrying our daughter lolita

wyzgy

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #22 on: May 20, 2012, 06:26:09 AM »
ya know what bill clinton says to hillary after sex??


i'll be home in about 10 minutes

real chili 83

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #23 on: May 20, 2012, 07:44:21 AM »
What's the difference between a dollar bill and the Vikings?  You can get four quarters out of a dollar.

Why do the trees in Minnesota lean to the south? Because Iowa sucks.

Why do Badger cheerleaders wear long skirts?  To hide the no-pest strips.

real chili 83

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Re: Who's got a good joke I can use tonight
« Reply #24 on: May 20, 2012, 08:02:24 AM »
First Grade

One day, the teacher tells the class that she is a White Sox fan.   She asks the class to raise their hand if they are a White Sox fan.  Not wanting to disappoint the teacher, a flurry of hands are raised high into the air.

The teacher scans the class, and sees that Mary has not raised her hand.  The teacher, now angry, asks Mary why she did not raise her hand.  She says she is a Cubs fan.  The teacher asks why.  Mary states thats her mother and father are Cub fans.

Now frustrated, the teacher asks, if you mother was a moron, and your father was a moron, what would that make you?  Mary smiles, and says, a White Sox fan.