David Letterman's Top 10 on the Catholic Conference

[HouWarrior]

Why not emphasize the "Catholic" in a new Catholic Conference?
Policies, rules changes, and breaking news could be fun and result in:

David Letterman's Top Ten reasons you got to love the Catholic Conference:

10) Dicky V, on ESPN, immediately nicknames the Catholic Conference the "Holy C" (read it out loud if you don't get it );

9) Any made shot that didn't have a "prayer", when taken, is called a "miracle' shot—all miracle shots are subject to official review and only a Vatican official may verify a miracle shot;

8) On verification of a player having at least 3 miracle shots, a Holy C player may be named a Saint, to be announced by its commissioner, the Pope, on the Holy C network (call your cable provider);

7) Holy C rules bar square shaped signs held up by fans at games , as all Catholics must make "pennance"  (another to read aloud);

6) After being whistled, a catholic player must raise his hand, not argue and admit his transgressions and seek forgiveness—if he fouls out, the player must go to the stands and help the fans by making pennance;

5) The Holy C will have special recruiting rules;
-No recruit may be promised he'll be a Saint, if he signs with a program, and neither indulgences, nor absolution may offered any recruit, or his family, as an inducement;
-Holy C coaches are limited to 2 in home visits, but Saints (and God) may visit a home whenever they choose to intercede, for a chosen few (rivals top 100, only);
-No Holy C school may claim to a recruit that God is only on THEIR side.
-Holy C recruits may verbally commit, but it is for eternity, not 4 years, and any de-commit will be subject to a fall from grace, or  excommunication, by the Holy C;
-For obvious reasons, no priest may have a one on one private contact with any boy, under16;
-All violations may subject to an Inquisition, by the Holy C, and penalties for teams extend from the mere knuckle rap of a nun's ruler, to Purgatory, and ultimately,  the Eternal Death Penalty; but , of course, most priests who violate, can expect a hushed up transfer to another diocese.

4) On a new Catholic holiday, called "Selection Sunday", at a secret meeting in Rome, whose conclusion is announced by chimney smoke, the Holy C's team seedings and tournament bracket are set, but in their Holy C network press conference, officials  admit ordaining the teams was hard, as all teams are equal, in God's eyes.  

3) Holy C rules reflect Catholic values;
-Team meals on Fridays are fish frys;
-Team promotions must include annual rosary bead giveaways, with pep rallies to be led by Carmelites in team colors leading fans in their, We Are....Hail Marys;
-zone defenses are required to be played, as coaches and players are to refrain from ever playing any one on one, man to man schemes, or allowing any man ever to hold the ball; special rules  protect underage "ball boys" from any abuse- they are to remain "out of bounds", at all times;
-Gatorade is barred (Tiger Woods-duh), and all water must be either be marked "holy", or for injury, water from Lourdes, France may be used;
-cheerleaders must wear plaid catholic school girl uniforms, with saddle shoes, they must remain good "catholic" girls and any abortions will result in dismissal from the squad;
- player's heart/fist pounding,  pointing to heaven and giving God all the glory in press interviews is encouraged, but instead of saying hi mom, they are to greet the Virgin Mother;
-No matter how much he may believe it, no coach in the Holy C may claim he's God, except ex ballplayer coaches who were named Saints, may insist they be called saints, and they may claim a win was pre-ordained;
- no Holy C player may ever be referred to as the Second Coming, (except for D Wade's son).
- As Holy C coaches are still sinners, who lie and fall short, none will be held to their promises---even when they claim they will stay at their school, as long as the school will have them (called the BUZZ rule);

2) In a story first broken on MU SCOOP, in Wisconsin, during the 70's, as many as 200 "ball boys" were subjected to illegal recruitment, contacts, and abuse, but the Pope, head of the Holy C, did not prosecute, or impose Purgatory, nor the Eternal Death Penalty; leading the NCAA and all Catholics to charge, "systemic institutional failures in rules compliance and abuses", which forced the Pope to resign;

and, the  Number One is...

1) The Pope, who liked to be  called the Holy "C" (close friends called him Tommy), and who also was known for his self centered, authoritarian arrogance, abruptly left his Catholic Conference job, telling no one, and he appeared at a press conference, at his new job. When asked why he left, Holy "C" answered, ..

"I may no longer be God's ordained representative on earth, and I have put "Wisconsin" behind me, but....... (Wait for it....)..

It's Indiana, its Indiana....!!!

[Canadian Dimes]

bored?

[RubyWiscy]

Wow! Well, let's see.

1) If you don't like being Catholic, there are a lot of other faiths out there.

2) If this is just an attempt to be funny, I suggest you don't quit your day job.

3) If I'm just too dense or uneducated to get your humor, see point 2.  (Hint: If you have to explain a joke, it isn't funny.)

[WildBill77RT]

I think that houwarrior is a leader in WPP (words per post). Congrats!

[Badgerhater]

I was sleeping at 6:50 am

[HouWarrior]

Wow! Well, let's see.

1) If you don't like being Catholic, there are a lot of other faiths out there.

2) If this is just an attempt to be funny, I suggest you don't quit your day job.

3) If I'm just too dense or uneducated to get your humor, see point 2.  (Hint: If you have to explain a joke, it isn't funny.)


Wow, thanks so much--now I really do see:

1) Thanks--You've made me realize I don't like being a Catholic, so I am leaving the faith--thanks. Might you suggest my new one, and please not one that sends me to hell (unless that is what you want- we certainly shouldnt run a risk of running into each other in the afterlife));
2) Thanks so much. Monday I was planning on going in and quitting my day job, and  to collect all the $ I could make from those here that pay pal to posters that try to make them laugh. I will never take a crack at any humor again--thanks;
3) With your wise advice on my faith , job decisions and lack of humor, there is no way you could be dense or uneducated-- you are a gift  I can only be thankful for; you have changed my life, my work, and religion with just one wise and thoughtful post.
Besides, with the name "Ruby",  all of us know you are smart and to be feared. I still think Ruby was part of the conspiracy to kill Kennedy, our first Catholic president-- you must have been able to fake your Dallas jail death. New conservative textbooks soon  will be arriving in the depository-- I am willing to be your godless, humorless, robot patsy...just call me Lee Harvey Houwarrior

[Spaniel with a Short Tail]

Maybe if the Spanish O'Donnells read it...

[mosarsour]

I guess there is very little else to talk about during the offseason...Yawn!

[Dawson Rental]

I was sleeping at 6:50 am

So was houwarrior! 

houwarrior,
Sorry, I just had to take the shot.  There was some good stuff in there. Thanks for sharing.

[TVDirector]

well crafted and humorous...

gotta take a shot at yourself every once in a while to keep perspective.

good laugh.. holy c!

[mu-rara]

I'll take this as I take anything that comes out of Letterman's mouth.

[reinko]

This is as clever, funny, and creative as a real David Letterman Top 10 list.

[Dawson Rental]

I still think Ruby was part of the conspiracy to kill Kennedy, our first Catholic president-- you must have been able to fake your Dallas jail death.  New conservative textbooks soon will be arriving in the depository-- I am willing to be your godless, humorless, robot patsy...just call me Lee Harvey Houwarrior

This is even funnier than the top ten list!