MUScoop
MUScoop => The Superbar => Topic started by: Bad_Reporter on March 11, 2018, 10:56:40 PM
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Fellow friends,
Just got a call from a relative that my mom has probable stomach cancer. I kept it together for 10 minutes and now, I've been a wreck.
I wanted to ask everyone who has had experience with this, on how you cope with such a thing? I haven't really dealt with any family members dying in my lifetime (I'm 29) and I guess I'm just looking for others to possibly share their stories, or experiences in life and how one deals with such a thing. It doesn't have to be cancer related or really any disease or illness related. Just looking for comfort or perspective from a group of guys (and gals) who I respect, and always learn something from while reading scoop over the past 7 years.
Thank you everyone.
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So sorry for your mom's diagnosis.
I lost my aunt (dad's sister) to suicide when I was an 18-year old freshman at MU. It was April 2, 1981, and suddenly we were driving to Florida for a funeral. I was totally blindsided, as we had been very close. In fact, a friend and I had spent much of the preceding summer living with them on an extended vacation.
A couple of thoughts. There is still hope that treatment can help your mother; cancer treatment gets better all the time. And regardless of her prognosis, she is still with you today. Tell her how you feel, how much she means to you. Don't be afraid to make yourself vulnerable. And it doesn't have to be morbid - talk about precious childhood memories and events. It will make you feel better, and very likely help your mom feel better too.
All the best.
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Also, sorry for the diagnosis. I was older than you (40) when i lost my dad to pancreatic cancer.
Goooo is spot on with his response. I'll only add two things; first, being there for your mom and being open with her will leave you with no regrets. second, and your post indicates that you realize this, you know a lot of people who have gone through this and there are a lot of people willing to share/help you.
Be there for her, for yourself, for others in her life and you'll be surprised by the response you get from everyone (especially yourself)
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First off, I'm sorry you got some rough news. Second, make sure you cherish the times you still have and remember the times you've already had. And while there's always hope and certainly hang onto that, make sure you make the most of the remaining time. She'll want to make more 'good' memories. You should too. Some folks don't get the chance to say goodbye. And that can be unfortunate when it happens.
Take care and God bless.
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Good luck and God's blessings on you and your family. Celebrate what you have and what you have had. All of our journeys end. Spend as much time with your mom as you can. Be grateful that you have the chance to do and say the things that many never do. Losing a loved one hurts. Everyone in your family will grieve. Embrace it and them.
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First and foremost, prayers and support, god bless you, your mom, and your family.
From my experience with my son, what I would offer up is to communicate as much as possible with your family/friends. Express emotion. Collectively as a family, do everything you can to put your mom in the best possible position to be comfortable and hopefully to succeed. Investigate the best medical care facilities/doctors that are available, and don't be afraid to move her to a different facility if need be. I can share that my son was at one hospital here in Chicago for three days, my wife and I came to the conclusion that it wasn't the right place for him to be at, and we switched hospitals. That sounds easy in hindsight, but at the time, it was stressful as hell to make that decision and execute it.
The most important thing I can really offer is this: everyone's situation is different. The internet medical info will not be your friend. Everyone responds to treatment differently. There's nothing harder in life than what you're going through right now. Share memories, and do what you can to keep making memories.
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Patience. Be patient with yourself. It's a crap-ton to get through. It can be a life long grieving process for some. And be patient with everyone going through the same thing.
Process. Not for everyone, but some solitude and a notebook to write and process your thoughts about the person. What can be learned of their situation, and how can you improve your life by taking in their good and leaving behind their bad traits. I've taken trips out of the country just to sit on a beach, or wherever you like, and just wrote and thought. Did very good things for me. And I still reflect on those thoughts several years removed.
Listen to your family members thoughts. There are no invalid concerns from them or yourself.
Spend as much time with your mom as possible, but give her the space she needs. She's grieving too.
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MU Pilot
First, I would like to let you know that you, your Mom and family will be in our prayers. The one word of advice I can offer is, be patient and try to wait until all news is confirmed before letting emotions take over. I recently have had a family member diagnosed with cancer, and from the day the Dr. showed concern and the cancer being confirmed was well over a month. From Day 1 my wife (her sister) and I worried like crazy and it made for a very long four weeks.
I guess what I am trying to say is, wait until all the news is in before processing your feelings. With my sister in law I feared the worst for over a month and the stress was not healthy. Try and stay positive and know your fellow scooper's are praying for you.
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Sorry to hear that. I was 31 when my father passed away. It was terrible, worst feeling I've ever experienced. Never got a chance to meet any grandkids, never got a proper retirement.
But there were some kids I grew up with who lost thier fathers in grade school & high school, and I thought of them, and it made me really thankful that I got to spend so much time and all of my formative years with him around. For months, I was involuntarioly flooded with vivid memories of lessons he taught me and how he helped me through hard times, and how much different I'd be if I he wasn't there during those years. Now that I have a child, I think about those things he did for me all the time, and it makes me happy.
That's what helped me the most. Gratitude for all the time he gave. With your mom still around, it would be great to tell her thanks.
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This thread and Basic Goodness in People thread. Reminds me of why I love Scoop and MU.
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Fellow friends,
Just got a call from a relative that my mom has probable stomach cancer. I kept it together for 10 minutes and now, I've been a wreck.
I wanted to ask everyone who has had experience with this, on how you cope with such a thing? I haven't really dealt with any family members dying in my lifetime (I'm 29) and I guess I'm just looking for others to possibly share their stories, or experiences in life and how one deals with such a thing. It doesn't have to be cancer related or really any disease or illness related. Just looking for comfort or perspective from a group of guys (and gals) who I respect, and always learn something from while reading scoop over the past 7 years.
Thank you everyone.
First of all she may have a curable form of the disease. So stay positive. She needs you to stay positive. Second, just spend as much quality time as you can with her. She is proud of all you have achieved so far in life and let her soak it in. Stay in the moment and don't focus on the big picture.
I went through this with my mother. She fought hard but eventually lost her battle. There are lots of things I wish I would have said or did over the course of my life with respect to her and only realized it after she was gone. It has been many years since she passed, but she is still with me everyday.
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First of all she may have a curable form of the disease. So stay positive. She needs you to stay positive. Second, just spend as much quality time as you can with her. She is proud of all you have achieved so far in life and let her soak it in. Stay in the moment and don't focus on the big picture.
I went through this with my mother. She fought hard but eventually lost her battle. There are lots of things I wish I would have said or did over the course of my life with respect to her and only realized it after she was gone. It has been many years since she passed, but she is still with me everyday.
I am so sorry for your Mom, and you are young to have to go through this.
I lost both my parents to cancer (and a sister in a car accident) in a 15 month window when I was around 40. I am one of seven kids, so I had a built in support system that helped a lot.
Three years ago I was told I had probably had prostate cancer but it turned out to not be the case, so hope and pray for the best. My wife has breast cancer at the moment (She had a successful lumpectomy a week or two before Christmas, it hadn't spread despite the doctor's initial dire predictions. She's in the middle of chemo and she is going to be fine, thank goodness). Medicine has advanced pretty far, so whatever the diagnosis, hold out hope.
I spent as much time as I could with both my parents and brought their grandkids around as much as possible so they could hear stories about when their grandparents were young. I think it really helped everyone involved. Point is, stay upbeat and positive when you are with your mom, don't dwell on the disease, and just enjoy each other's company as much as possible. Lean on family and friends for support, continue to live your life. My prayers are with you.
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I'm sorry that you have to go through this, MUpilot, and you, your mother, your family and your mother's care-givers are in my prayers. I pray that you all are able to experience peace. I pray that the ultimate diagnosis/prognosis are positive. I also pray for wisdom and guidance for her care-givers so that she can receive the best medical care possible.
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I'm sorry that you have to go through this, MUpilot, and you, your mother, your family and your mother's care-givers are in my prayers. I pray that you all are able to experience peace. I pray that the ultimate diagnosis/prognosis are positive. I also pray for wisdom and guidance for her care-givers so that she can receive the best medical care possible.
Pilot,
When my wife was diagnosed with cancer 16+ years ago it overwhelmed me. I felt helpless (and somewhat hopeless) initially, but once we sat with the doctors and they gave us a plan things got better. We were very lucky and remain so today as she is cancer free. The journey for my wife was eye opening and life affirming. Seeing how loved and indispensable she was to so many took her aback somewhat, but in a most positive way. Help your Mom know just how special she is as she moves forward - whatever the outcome it will help ease the way. I hope and pray for the best possible outcome for your Mom - and also for the strength to deal with whatever comes your way.
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LloydsLegs
While I disagree with many on here in regards to ball, I 1000% agree with your analysis of scoop overall. It really warms my heart to see the kindness in people. Over the years several scoopers(and former scoopers) helped my cope with some tough times in my life. I really hope MU pilot's Mom does well moving forward.
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Thank you so much everyone. While reading everyone's comments and concerns it's unreal when you realize the people who you've read their post over the past 7 years are also humans. I think I get lost when i read Sultan, Tower, Goose, everyone's, perspective on MU ball, and forget that everyone is human. We all have struggles, we all have problems, issues, triumphs, and happiness. I truly appreciate everyone on here, their insights, love for Marquette, and also the mods for making and keeping this site running. It makes my life much more enjoyable
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and advice, you will never know how much it means to me and my family.
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Pilot, so sorry about your mother. It's a horrible feeling getting news like that and I, like many of us, really feel for you. I just wanted to echo what a few have mentioned here: tell your mom what she means to you and don't hold back. Because you're going to think about the things you said (or didn't say) for the rest of your life, and it will give you - and she - some measure of peace that you got to tell her everything. I'm pulling for your mom and you.
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Thank you so much everyone. While reading everyone's comments and concerns it's unreal when you realize the people who you've read their post over the past 7 years are also humans. I think I get lost when i read Sultan, Tower, Goose, everyone's, perspective on MU ball, and forget that everyone is human. We all have struggles, we all have problems, issues, triumphs, and happiness. I truly appreciate everyone on here, their insights, love for Marquette, and also the mods for making and keeping this site running. It makes my life much more enjoyable
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and advice, you will never know how much it means to me and my family.
Thank you for another needed dose of perspective. We argue to the point of absurdity over minor points about MU basketball. But the vast majority of us share a bond as MU alum. We are mothers, fathers, brothers, sons, daughters, sisters. We want good things for our families. We want love, security, friendship, fellowship, laughter. Fear of death and loss also unites us. You are simply another cousin who we fight with but who, in the end, we sympathize and empathize with. That is what matters. Arguing to the nth degree over MU hoops? In the end, that is just entertainment. Others have been where you now find yourself. Don't be afraid to reach out. Hang in there, brother.
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First of all, pilot, my sincerest MU prayers are with you, your mother and the family. I pray for peace and allowing God do for you what you cannot do for yourself. I know it’s very hard to comprehend and is easier said than done, but trust Him. Things always happen for a “reason”. Your faith is your hope. Prayer does work if you allow it.
Just reading this thread is amazing! I believe it is one of the first signs that God’s is with you; reaching out to the ‘scoop community is Him helping you begin to cope and then to be strong for your mom.
All of these responses make my eyes kinda watery-good on all of ya and pilot, don’t be shy to keep us up to date.
Prayers are coming your way my man💪
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#justbeatcancerbaby
Maybe in our lifetimes. Hits us all
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MUpilot:
There is no how-do guide on dealing with this. Everybody is different. Some deny, some get angry, some withdraw, some turn (or turn more) to religion, some reach out to family/friends they haven't seen in years, etc.
There is no one "correct" way to process information like this, so my advice is to be yourself, control what you can, and don't worry about grieving in some kind of "acceptable" way. Only you know the pain you are feeling.
Hopefully, you have a sibling or close friend or somebody else with whom you can commiserate. That won't "solve" anything, but talking or hugging or just sitting quietly with somebody you love and/or respect can help a lot.
Also: Remember to take care of yourself. You are of no use to your mom if you are sleep-deprived, hungry, sick, etc.
I wish you well, my friend.
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Pilot,
All the best to your mom, you, and family.
The year my mom passed, we visited where she grew up with her. Took the kids with us. Spent some great time on Kelley's Island, took the kids to Cedar Point. My mom didn't let us know, but she wasn't doing well. She was having too much fun. She passed later that fall.
A few years ago, I dripped out my wife had cancer. She is well now. I can totally relate to how agonizing and long that wait is from when you first hear, to when you actually get to talk to a doctor. The weeks felt like....years. The day my wife first called me, I had a six hour trip in front of me to get home. Longest day ever.
THANK YOU for sharing and starting this thread. For some of us, it's helpful because we can share, and appreciate how much we have in common. There are others too who may not share, but appreciate it none the less.
Oh, and on a matter that is really insignificant in the big picture of life, GO WARRIORS!!!
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Pilot
I am so sorry for your Mom's diagnosis. I feel for you and will remember you in my prayers.
Both of my in-laws (to whom I was close) and my Mom have passed away. As has my grandparents to whom I was very close. My Dad, who in many ways was a living, breathing and caring role model every day of his life, has Alzheimers and is in memory care. So, I do feel what you are facing.
The biggest advice I have is to be thankful for the time, caring and relationship you had. We can't go back to what was, say 10 or 20 years ago, but we can remember fondly those things and parts of our lives that have changed or left us. The day my grandmother died, I shook over and over because of what she meant to me. But I recall something happened on the drive home from her funeral (a seven hour trip) in which the wisdom to appreciate her as a special person in my life dawned on me.
You have someone who will never leave you. She may pass on, but she will be with you. Be thankful for that!
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dgies
I remember asking my father in law if I would ever get over missing my Mom after she passed away and his response, "why would you want to?". There is not a day that goes by, without me thinking of both my parents, my father in law and brother in law that have passed away and everyday I think about "why would you want to?". As time has marched on, I still miss them, but thank God everyday that I still miss them.
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dgies
I remember asking my father in law if I would ever get over missing my Mom after she passed away and his response, "why would you want to?". There is not a day that goes by, without me thinking of both my parents, my father in law and brother in law that have passed away and everyday I think about "why would you want to?". As time has marched on, I still miss them, but thank God everyday that I still miss them.
Great post, Goose. I'm right there with you. I think about my parents every single day. And as your FIL said ... Why not? They were great people and great parents!
It's amazing how good we can help make our lives if we just have positive thoughts whenever possible.
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dgies
I remember asking my father in law if I would ever get over missing my Mom after she passed away and his response, "why would you want to?". There is not a day that goes by, without me thinking of both my parents, my father in law and brother in law that have passed away and everyday I think about "why would you want to?". As time has marched on, I still miss them, but thank God everyday that I still miss them.
That is awesome! Thanks goose👍
My dad had a stroke 2 months ago. He is a mentor and a peer as well; we practiced together for 16 years. We don’t know how much of him we are going to get back as he is more physically than mentally disabled. But we still have him today and now, with goose’ dynamite response, we always will have him
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Rocket
First off, I do not know you, but I know you are a good man. I remember you telling me that you practiced with your Dad and I love that. I worked in a family business for a long time and understand the pride involved. Since the closing of that biz, I have had the honor of working with my oldest son for the past eight years. A true gift from God.
I will be praying for you Dad. I have a brother in law that suffered a serious brain aneurysm seven years ago and have seen how difficult that can be. He is 18 years older than I am and taught me everything I know about basketball and Marquette basketball. While he might not be exactly the same guy, we still share our love of basketball and Marquette program. It is funny, he suffers some in memory but remembers every high and low of MU ball since 1964. To this day, we love the same players and dislike the same players.
I really hope your Dad responds well and you can share more life with him. In addition, thank you for the kind words. You are one Warrior that I love seeing your posts!!
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That is awesome! Thanks goose👍
My dad had a stroke 2 months ago. He is a mentor and a peer as well; we practiced together for 16 years. We don’t know how much of him we are going to get back as he is more physically than mentally disabled. But we still have him today and now, with goose’ dynamite response, we always will have him
Thinking good thoughts for your dad, rocketman.
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Thinking good thoughts for your dad, rocketman.
Thanks 82-youre not as bad as they say you are😉👍
didn’t mean to steal the show from pilot, but thought if we could empathize with him, it would help
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That is awesome! Thanks goose👍
My dad had a stroke 2 months ago. He is a mentor and a peer as well; we practiced together for 16 years. We don’t know how much of him we are going to get back as he is more physically than mentally disabled. But we still have him today and now, with goose’ dynamite response, we always will have him
Prayers to Rocket and to MU Pilot. I lost a parent in my 20's. My wife lost a parent in her teens. Love them every day, miss them every day and that was many many years ago. I am hoping sincerely for the best for both of you and your loved ones in these trying times.
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Prayers to Rocket and to MU Pilot. I lost a parent in my 20's. My wife lost a parent in her teens. Love them every day, miss them every day and that was many many years ago. I am hoping sincerely for the best for both of you and your loved ones in these trying times.
WarriorD-your thoughtful post is very much appreciated. Hearing from someone who has experienced the ultimate sorrow means a lot to all of us in the MU community. I also have my wife of 34 years supporting me-she lost both of her parents, my in laws whom I never met, when she was 7(dad) and 14(Mom). Relationships are so important in this circle of life-thanks to all of you guys!
Hang in there pilot-I didn’t mean to steal your thread, but when I have one those low moments of despair and look for strength, you will be in my thoughts as well 🙏
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I definitely don't want this thread about me. Hopefully this is a place we can all open up, share our life experiences and gain strength from other people's stories.
Again, I appreciate all of the awesome feedback, and sympathize for everyone in here who has lost someone, or knows someone who is Ill.
You guys are fantastic, and I'll pray for each one of you.
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I definitely don't want this thread about me. Hopefully this is a place we can all open up, share our life experiences and gain strength from other people's stories.
Again, I appreciate all of the awesome feedback, and sympathize for everyone in here who has lost someone, or knows someone who is Ill.
You guys are fantastic, and I'll pray for each one of you.
Thanks Pilot. We'll be praying for you and your family too!
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Hey gents,
Just an update, i just found out she has CUP cancer which i guess is (Cancer of unknown primary) The more i google, the more upset i get. I think the part that really bothers me is she is so negative all of the time. She acts like there is no hope. When she is awake, or will talk, it's about how she wont have hair during my wedding this October, how she needs to put her car, and bank account, in someones name. etc. I wish there was something i could do to make her feel better, or be at least a fraction of her old happy self.
I think Goose or someone else said it. Waiting is stressful, constant test, and no results. No way of fighting this disease. Just watching her sit in a chair and not say a word.
I guess i'll keep holding out hope. The Dr's say she has Stage 4 cancer, yet don't know what or where it is, i don't understand how that can be.
Thanks again for responding everybody. I read this thread more then you'll ever know.
Jesse
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Pilot
Keep being yourself, loving and supporting her. I can only imagine the emotions that both you and your Mom are experiencing at the moment. The one I thing I have learned in life, and it took my until my 40's to understand, is that God really and truly has a plan for all of us. We might not agree with his plan, but having faith in Him and the plan is really all we have.
I am sure that once you and your Mom have a firm understanding of the situation, that the emotions you are experiencing will be replaced with a different set of emotions. I remember when my Mom passed, and she was a roller coaster of emotions for several weeks. I think in my case, my Mom felt like she let me down and was feeling guilty. For me, once I understood and accepted what the condition was, I spent every moment I could with her talking about every happy thing we ever shared. To this day I remember holding her hand when she died and telling her "you already know I love you with my whole heart, and what I want you to remember is, thank you for giving me the most wonderful life possible". Telling her thank you was the greatest thing I ever told her.
In closing, keep the faith. Love and thank your Mom everyday and trust in God. Feel free to reach out to me if you ever need anything.
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Pilot, she's going to process how she processes and you can't beat yourself up over that. Just be the supportive son you're trying to be. I trust that counseling can be part of her treatment package.
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Jesse, you did not cause this. It is beyond your ability to fix. The most helpless, hopeless feeling in the world. Counseling for your mother is a good idea. Counseling for YOU is an even better idea. You are clearly in pain and struggling, brother. Make use of the resources available to you. Good luck and God's blessings upon you.
edit: I don't know where you work, but most employers are partnered with some kind of EAP. Your situation is exactly what EAP's are here for. You are not weak. You are not crazy. You are already grieving. It is OK. You are in a short/intermediate term situation that is overwhelming your normal coping mechanisms. An EAP is a good place to start for help.
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pilot-
there's a little book out there called "daily reflections" yes, it was put out mainly for alcoholics, but i believe it can play a role in anyone's day to day living. with short excerpts from "the big book" then followed by a short reflection by someone who is learning how to cope with life on life's terms. it is dated(not by year) beginning with january 1 thru december 31 of course, but that is more pertinent for someone who is new to a recovery. the particular day is not really important, but the reflections can help give you solace in very difficult time(s). even re-reading certain days one day can evoke different emotions the next. i've had mine over 10 years and it sits at my bedside; one of the first things i see in the morning and last thing at night. every day is a gift
it's just a thought as i'm trying to add something a little different from all the previous absolutely fantastic thoughts from our fellow 'scoopers.
one more thing-tell your mom how important she has been, is, and continues to be for you. what she has taught you, how many people she has touched and how. they may try to 2nd guess themselves-that's not fair. allow her to reflect of course and listen-what she may be doing without either of you realizing is a sort of living amends-that can be very comforting for her and hopefully give both of you a dose of let's kick the crap out of this bay boy!!
the term "thoughts and prayers" has taken a beating on this board in a different topic, but i don't give a damn man-it is very pertinent here because that is really the best way to convey my empathy
have a blessed Easter pilot!
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Jesse - Sorry to hear about the added frustration of not knowing. Just be there for her, and you will be doing the right thing.