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« Last post by MU82 on Today at 10:58:14 AM »
Some jokes from the live-streamed (on Netflix) roast of Tom Brady:
Belichick: “People have said it — Tom and I butted heads a lot. And in a way that was true. But it was hard to butt heads with Tom — because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass.”
Julian Edelman: “Alex Guerrero is the snake oil salesman that turned Tom into a complete weirdo.”
Drew Bledsoe: “A lot of people assume I have a lot of animosity toward Tom Brady. So I’m here tonight in front of millions of people to tell you — they’re correct.”
Bledsoe: “There were rumors that coach Belichick was going to be here tonight. Turns out he has some time on his hands. At least when I got fired, somebody else wanted me.”
Edelman said Belichick used to tell the team in meetings that Foxboro High players would've done a better job, leading to ... "Now Foxboro High is the only job offer you have. Do your job? More like need a job, coach."
Randy Moss: “Before I got to the New England Patriots, we heard about Spygate. Then after I left, we heard about Deflategate. So I only got one question for you, Tom: ’Why the f— didn’t we cheat when I was there?! I wanted to cheat, too. My kids always ask me, ‘Daddy, why does everyone have a ring but you?’ You know how hard it is to look your kids in the eyes and say, ‘They just don’t trust me enough to cheat’?”
Gronkowski on the similarities between Brady and Belichick: “You’re both hard asses that hate fun. You both live and breathe football. Neither of you are married anymore. You’re both even divorced from football — and both of you take full credit for the dynasty.”
Comedian Jeff Ross: “Tom was drafted 199th in the NFL draft. He sat there for days waiting and waiting and was finally picked in the sixth round when Bill Belichick’s dog stepped on the keyboard by accident.”
Ross on what Brady told Robert Kraft: "I'm the best decision your organization has ever made. Would you like a massage?" (A perturbed Brady got up from his seat and told Ross: "Don't say that sh!t again.")
Comedian Nikki Glaser: “You have seven rings — well, eight now that Giselle gave hers back.”
Brady said the NFL could've saved the $20M it spent investigating Deflategate because "I would’ve just told you I f—-ing did it.”
Brady on why he wants to buy a piece of the Raiders: “I’m tired of owning just the Colts and the Bills.”
Kraft: "Tom, good luck buying the Raiders. They did your favorite thing for you already — they got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo.”
Brady to Belichick: “I’ve been out of the game for a minute, so I’m curious - how many Super Bowls have you won since I left? … When I go to the Indy 500, I don’t ask, ‘Hey, who gassed up your car.’”