More young adults (18-34) live with parents.

[ChicosBailBonds]

During my second semester of my senior year at Marquette, my father called me and said he was coming up for dinner. He was in Chicago on business and thought it would be nice to see me. It also was very unusual.

When he got to town, we went to dinner and he sat down and said, "You Mother has a message. Don't come home. Go out, get a job selling shoes if you have to, but don't come home."

In one of my finer moments, that to this day bewildered my Dad, is when I looked at him and said, "I have absolutely no intention of coming home. Been there, done that.. and you can tell my Mother anything you want, but that's my expectation. I  will  have  a  job!" And I did.

I never did go home other than to visit. I had spent four years working hard to get my Degree and now I wanted to take on the world. I went to a small city in Illinois and lived in a roach-infested barrio apartment for a year before moving above a dry cleaner. It was the best thing that ever happened to me because it lit a fire inside that led to a career. If I had gone home, I'd lived in a very comfortable large home, but geez, it aint worth it!

My two children are both in college -- one is a freshman and the other a junior. I'll do what I can for them in getting started, but they need to be independent and I expect them to be. They need to make their own decisions and learn how to manage the small amount of money that will be their salaries. Not to be harsh, but they won't always have the soft landing of their parents and they need to learn to be self-sufficient.

Well said

[MU82]

During my second semester of my senior year at Marquette, my father called me and said he was coming up for dinner. He was in Chicago on business and thought it would be nice to see me. It also was very unusual.

When he got to town, we went to dinner and he sat down and said, "You Mother has a message. Don't come home. Go out, get a job selling shoes if you have to, but don't come home."

In one of my finer moments, that to this day bewildered my Dad, is when I looked at him and said, "I have absolutely no intention of coming home. Been there, done that.. and you can tell my Mother anything you want, but that's my expectation. I  will  have  a  job!" And I did.

I never did go home other than to visit. I had spent four years working hard to get my Degree and now I wanted to take on the world. I went to a small city in Illinois and lived in a roach-infested barrio apartment for a year before moving above a dry cleaner. It was the best thing that ever happened to me because it lit a fire inside that led to a career. If I had gone home, I'd lived in a very comfortable large home, but geez, it aint worth it!

My two children are both in college -- one is a freshman and the other a junior. I'll do what I can for them in getting started, but they need to be independent and I expect them to be. They need to make their own decisions and learn how to manage the small amount of money that will be their salaries. Not to be harsh, but they won't always have the soft landing of their parents and they need to learn to be self-sufficient.

Superb.

Congratulations to you and (hopefully) to your kids!

[dgies9156]

Superb.

Congratulations to you and (hopefully) to your kids!

Same to you. Sounds like we're both on the same page in the way our children were raised (and my wife, though a working Mom, was always there for them even when I travelled a lot for business).

Also, thanks Chicos!

[MerrittsMustache]

Same to you. Sounds like we're both on the same page in the way our children were raised (and my wife, though a working Mom, was always there for them even when I travelled a lot for business).

Also, thanks Chicos!

That was an odd comment. Are the working moms/parents that you know typically not there for their kids? Personally, my wife works full-time and is significantly more involved and tuned-in to my kids' lives than most of the SAHMs we know.

[dgies9156]

That was an odd comment. Are the working moms/parents that you know typically not there for their kids? Personally, my wife works full-time and is significantly more involved and tuned-in to my kids' lives than most of the SAHMs we know.

You have not been in my neighborhood. I agree it's odd, but I also have seen battle lines drawn between the Stay-at-Homes and the Career Women. I don't even want to start that other than to say it is a horrible problem in our neighborhood.

[MU82]

That was an odd comment. Are the working moms/parents that you know typically not there for their kids? Personally, my wife works full-time and is significantly more involved and tuned-in to my kids' lives than most of the SAHMs we know.

I'll jump in here ...

"Being there" can be defined in different ways.

When my wife was a stay-at-home mom, she literally was there for everything the kids did. Sports, school functions, parent-teacher meetings, recitals, parties, doctor's appointments, etc. After she went back to work, she still tried to attend as many things as she could, but it was impossible to go to them all. We ended up splitting quite a few of them, and even set up a huge chart on our wall to make sure everything was covered by one or both of us.

Nevertheless, she still was extremely supportive of everything they did, so she was "there" for them from that standpoint. She simply wasn't always "there" physically for every event, function, etc. She couldn't be.

[mu03eng]

The timing of the SAHM and working mom discussion is pretty interesting as I'm on my first extended business trip since our son was born and the wife is flying solo with EngJr. while working 32 hours a week(with a rigid medical industry schedule). She's obviously stressed the first time, and I'm sure it will get easier with future trips....but it's gotta be tough and I can see why some times the SAHM route happens.

I'd like to avoid that route for multiple reasons: the income is nice, I know she loves her career, I want our son to see that we're equals/both value hard work/career, and I don't like the way a lot of SAHM turn out in the long run (including my mom). I think it's ultimately a personal choice and I wouldn't judge either way, but while it seems harder I feel like it'll be better for everyone long term for both of us to work.

[warriorchick]

That was an odd comment. Are the working moms/parents that you know typically not there for their kids? Personally, my wife works full-time and is significantly more involved and tuned-in to my kids' lives than most of the SAHMs we know.

I know I am totally betraying the lady code here,  but I have been both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom, and I will let you fellas in on a little secret:  The whole "Being a stay-at-home mom is a much harder job than being a working mom" thing is a complete load of crap.  Working moms still have to do about 80% of the Mom Stuff that SAHMs do, but here is what they don't have time to do:

• Spend all morning at the gym (while sticking their kid in the gym's daycare center)
• Drive around the suburbs trying to complete their Beanie Baby collection with their kids strapped in their carseats
• Attend playgroups whose main function is to spread neighborhood gossip

But of course, you can't say anything about that, because SAHMs are martyrs who sacrifice their time  by passing out carrot sticks at the preschool once a month.

[MerrittsMustache]

I know I am totally betraying the lady code here,  but I have been both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom, and I will let you fellas in on a little secret:  The whole "Being a stay-at-home mom is a much harder job than being a working mom" thing is a complete load of crap.  Working moms still have to do about 80% of the Mom Stuff that SAHMs do, but here is what they don't have time to do:

• Spend all morning at the gym (while sticking their kid in the gym's daycare center)
• Drive around the suburbs trying to complete their Beanie Baby collection with their kids strapped in their carseats
• Attend playgroups whose main function is to spread neighborhood gossip

But of course, you can't say anything about that, because SAHMs are martyrs who sacrifice their time  by passing out carrot sticks at the preschool once a month.

I can't put into words how much I enjoyed this post!


Long story on how she swung it, but my wife took 2 months off between jobs last summer to stay home with our 4 kids (ages 18 mo to 6 years). She has always worked and her SAHM friends kept telling her how difficult it would be and what a HUGE adjustment it would be for her. After a couple weeks she told me that she thinks there's a conspiracy among SAHMs to make working parents believe that nothing could be more difficult than staying home even though it's an easy gig.

To be clear, I don't have anything against SAHMs. My mother stayed home with my brother and me until I was in kindergarten. She still openly talks about how easy it was. I actually think that the "Woe is Me" Mommy Bloggers have really done a disservice to all moms by painting this inaccurate picture of just how hard life is staying home...but it's worth it because they love their children more than working moms

[warriorchick]

I can't put into words how much I enjoyed this post!


Long story on how she swung it, but my wife took 2 months off between jobs last summer to stay home with our 4 kids (ages 18 mo to 6 years). She has always worked and her SAHM friends kept telling her how difficult it would be and what a HUGE adjustment it would be for her. After a couple weeks she told me that she thinks there's a conspiracy among SAHMs to make working parents believe that nothing could be more difficult than staying home even though it's an easy gig.

To be clear, I don't have anything against SAHMs. My mother stayed home with my brother and me until I was in kindergarten. She still openly talks about how easy it was. I actually think that the "Woe is Me" Mommy Bloggers have really done a disservice to all moms by painting this inaccurate picture of just how hard life is staying home...but it's worth it because they love their children more than working moms

I don't have anything against SAHMs either.  And if that is your family's decision, bully for you.  But don't feed me the crap that your life is so much harder.  Moms who truly want to stay home and can afford to do it should count their blessings and stop bitching.

[Goose]

Warriorchick

I can assure you that Mrs. Goose would agree 100% with you. She has been a career woman since our kids were young, HS teacher at the school our kids attended from K-5 on and now in the medical field. I cannot say it enough times on how impressive of a Mom she has been all while working 45+ hours a week.

Now with three adult kids at home, one just for a few weeks, it almost like when we had young kids at home. She is back in the groove of making the kids breakfast, worrying about their days and generally knocking out it of the park as a Mom. Her ability to balance all facets of her life has been an unreal role model for our kids, especially our daughter.

Me on the other hand, I liked empty nester life a whole lot more:)

[MU82]

I know I am totally betraying the lady code here,  but I have been both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom, and I will let you fellas in on a little secret:  The whole "Being a stay-at-home mom is a much harder job than being a working mom" thing is a complete load of crap.  Working moms still have to do about 80% of the Mom Stuff that SAHMs do, but here is what they don't have time to do:

• Spend all morning at the gym (while sticking their kid in the gym's daycare center)
• Drive around the suburbs trying to complete their Beanie Baby collection with their kids strapped in their carseats
• Attend playgroups whose main function is to spread neighborhood gossip

But of course, you can't say anything about that, because SAHMs are martyrs who sacrifice their time  by passing out carrot sticks at the preschool once a month.

My wife probably would say most of this same stuff. It's so hard to be everything to everybody. Hell, we don't have kids at home anymore (except me, the biggest kid) and my wife works 50+ hours and I don't work full-time. And yet she STILL does about 80% of the stuff around the house. Including the "man" stuff, like mowing the lawn (honest, she says she likes doing it for the exercise).

I always tell her, "I'm so glad I'm a man! The only downside is that, unlike you, I can't have sex whenever I want!"

[GGGG]

My kids went to daycare until they went to school, and occasionally after school as well.  They are smart, well adjusted and living lives on their own.  Not once do I feel that we short changed them as parents.  In fact I thought day care helped them when they got into school.  They never cried and they knew how to deal with other kids better.

[warriorchick]

My kids went to daycare until they went to school, and occasionally after school as well.  They are smart, well adjusted and living lives on their own.  Not once do I feel that we short changed them as parents.  In fact I thought day care helped them when they got into school.  They never cried and they knew how to deal with other kids better.

Yep.  Plus our daycare provider gave them access to stuff that we couldn't/wouldn't:  Dogs to play with, a pool, a trampoline, and the ability to go to Six Flags in the middle of the week.

[Goose]

MU82

My wife does at least 80% of the stuff around the house and is far more handy than I am by a wide margin. She always tackles the big projects, including working a jackhammer when she almost single handily re-did our patio. She even went to brick laying class prior to starting the project. Between her and my one son they completed the project for roughly $20k under lowest quote we received.

 More impressive, she did that while working full time and completing her Masters from MCW. She might be the only person I know that completed a Masters degree 25 years after completing her PhD. Not always easy keeping up with her but her work is greatly appreciated.

[jsglow]

I'll add my 2 cents to this.  After jsglow jr. was born (our second), chick decided to stay home for an undetermined period of time.  Well, after 6 months she hated it and wanted some adult interaction.  She was fortunate enough that in her profession opportunities existed for part time work so off she went Tuesdays/Thursdays/Saturday morning.  We did that as a family until he started kindergarten 4+ years later.  After that she went full time and our kids had the greatest daycare before/after school (and summers) that a family could ever hope for.

My point is that we sincerely believe the time away from mom when they were very little helped them adjust to being around other kids and not insist on being at the center of attention.  We really believe they were very well served by that decision.  And we're still very close family friends with that daycare provider who ended her run with them 10-15 years ago.

[ChicosBailBonds]

You have not been in my neighborhood. I agree it's odd, but I also have seen battle lines drawn between the Stay-at-Homes and the Career Women. I don't even want to start that other than to say it is a horrible problem in our neighborhood.

My wife is SAHM, and it of course hits us financially.  She does a lot for those kids, plus volunteers for a bunch of things like Meals on Wheels, school stuff, hospital, etc. 

I appreciate Chick's comments on this.  Currently three of the women on my team at work are pregnant (I have 12 people on current team...10 are women) and they have all decided to continue to work.  Whichever direction folks go, that is their choice.  I do find it a little odd at times when the Nanny seems to be practically a live in for these people, but to each their own.

[MomofMUltiples]

My mother trained as an RN, then took 23 years off to stay home and raise her children.  When I had my first child and was deciding whether or not to stay home for a while, she said "I'll let you in on a secret.  It's really boring to just raise children. If you stay home, find something else you love to do and get out and do it regularly, or you'll go crazy."  I stayed home for two years and realized she was right, you'll go crazy.  I went back to work when I was seven months pregnant with child #2, and I've never looked back.

I have to say that I believe I was a better mom because I worked, because I was a happier person and far more organized than I would have been had I stayed at home.  For the first 15 years of our marriage I worked a civil service job that was challenging, but did not pay as much as I could demand on the open market, because it gave me ultimate flexibility to work my schedule around my children.  I could leave my work on my desk at 4:30 and not touch it again until morning, and I could flex my hours around children's activities such as suzuki string lessons at school in the middle of the day.  Once the youngest were in kindergarten, I moved to the private sector and the increased income allowed us to enjoy extras like private school tuition and memorable family vacations.

And here's another betrayal of the lady code (thanks Chick!) - frankly, anyone can raise an infant, toddler or preschooler.  They need warmth, and love, stimulation and sustenance.  I had no problems putting my children in daycare, where they received all they needed and more, got socialization that they wouldn't have had at home since all the neighbor kids were at daycare too.  The time my children needed me most was the middle school years - when things start changing for them, peer pressure kicks in and they are faced with choices they need guidance with.  I reduced my in-office hours to six per day so I could be there when they got home from school, got them going on homework and talked to them about their days.  It didn't avoid all the problems, but it established close relationships so they knew they could talk to me about anything if they wanted. 

I absolutely support women who choose to stay home and raise their children and manage the household.  I would hope that they also respect my choice to work while I raised my children.  As women, we are lucky to have choices that our 1950's moms never had.

[warriorchick]

My mother trained as an RN, then took 23 years off to stay home and raise her children.  When I had my first child and was deciding whether or not to stay home for a while, she said "I'll let you in on a secret.  It's really boring to just raise children. If you stay home, find something else you love to do and get out and do it regularly, or you'll go crazy."  I stayed home for two years and realized she was right, you'll go crazy.  I went back to work when I was seven months pregnant with child #2, and I've never looked back.

I have to say that I believe I was a better mom because I worked, because I was a happier person and far more organized than I would have been had I stayed at home.  For the first 15 years of our marriage I worked a civil service job that was challenging, but did not pay as much as I could demand on the open market, because it gave me ultimate flexibility to work my schedule around my children.  I could leave my work on my desk at 4:30 and not touch it again until morning, and I could flex my hours around children's activities such as suzuki string lessons at school in the middle of the day.  Once the youngest were in kindergarten, I moved to the private sector and the increased income allowed us to enjoy extras like private school tuition and memorable family vacations.

And here's another betrayal of the lady code (thanks Chick!) - frankly, anyone can raise an infant, toddler or preschooler.  They need warmth, and love, stimulation and sustenance.  I had no problems putting my children in daycare, where they received all they needed and more, got socialization that they wouldn't have had at home since all the neighbor kids were at daycare too.  The time my children needed me most was the middle school years - when things start changing for them, peer pressure kicks in and they are faced with choices they need guidance with.  I reduced my in-office hours to six per day so I could be there when they got home from school, got them going on homework and talked to them about their days.  It didn't avoid all the problems, but it established close relationships so they knew they could talk to me about anything if they wanted. 

I absolutely support women who choose to stay home and raise their children and manage the household.  I would hope that they also respect my choice to work while I raised my children.  As women, we are lucky to have choices that our 1950's moms never had.

I became a SAHM after Glow jr. was born, and after six months I was ready to slash my wrists out of boredom.  I love my kids; I think they are the two greatest creatures God has ever made, but I was not cut out for a life where my only conversations were about poop and Barney the Dinosaur.

My mother was an extremely bright woman.  She would be running a Fortune 500 company if she had been born with XY chromosomes.  But she was a southern girl who majored in Home Economics in college (because the only other real options were Education and Nursing, neither of which interested her), and dropped out of college to marry my wonderful dad after he graduated and got his commission in the Army. She has never had a full-time job in her life, but still managed to rise up the ranks of her organization even as a part-timer while raising five kids.

I feel bad for the women who came of age in the 40's through the 60's.  Modern conveniences made housework a part-time job.  The earlier ones likely had important responsibilities  during the war, and once it was over, were told to go home and make babies so that the men could have their jobs. Many of them had great educations and sharp minds that were completely going to waste. No wonder there were so many housewives who were hooked on pills or booze.  Their doctor's answer to their depression was to drug them up and send them back to their husbands.

[tower912]

When my oldest child was 4 months old, told my wife it was decision time, either she had to go back to work or I had to get a second job.  She said that she would go crazy if she had to stay home.  So, for the last 20+ years, my days off from the fire department have been spent as a SAHM.  Except on days after being up all night at a fire, it is easy.  I do all of the parent stuff.  I just laugh at the mom-blog stuff.

[dgies9156]

I became a SAHM after Glow jr. was born, and after six months I was ready to slash my wrists out of boredom.  I love my kids; I think they are the two greatest creatures God has ever made, but I was not cut out for a life where my only conversations were about poop and Barney the Dinosaur.

My mother was an extremely bright woman.  She would be running a Fortune 500 company if she had been born with XY chromosomes.  But she was a southern girl who majored in Home Economics in college (because the only other real options were Education and Nursing, neither of which interested her), and dropped out of college to marry my wonderful dad after he graduated and got his commission in the Army. She has never had a full-time job in her life, but still managed to rise up the ranks of her organization even as a part-timer while raising five kids.

I feel bad for the women who came of age in the 40's through the 60's.  Modern conveniences made housework a part-time job.  The earlier ones likely had important responsibilities  during the war, and once it was over, were told to go home and make babies so that the men have their jobs. Many of them had great educations and sharp minds that were completely going to waste. No wonder there were so many housewives who were hooked on pills or booze.  Their doctor's answer to their depression was to drug them up and send them back to their husbands.

Chick, you sure we're NOT related? My wife was Editor and Chief of two newsletters and founded a financial services magazine in the 1990s. When we adopted our two children, she took maternity leave to travel to get them (overseas) and then worked for three months from home.

When she went back to commuting, she was tugged in two worlds --  between our children and her career. She did both very well, but the SAHMs in our neighborhood were, candidly horrible. And, the parking lot mafia at school gave Catholicism a very bad reputation due to their mean-spirited gossip, often targeted at the career women who did not live up to their expectation of "volunteering" and "contributing" to school life. When you did volunteer, if you were not part of the SAHM club in a particular grade, you were ostracized.

My wife ended up building a free lance writing business when her job was shifted to New York more than a decade ago and did very well at that too.

Incidentally, my Mom was probably like your's. She had the XX, five children in a row and was both at-home and an educator. She developed the kindergarten at our parish. Wrote the kindergarten program that initially became the basis for the kindergarten program in our Diocesan School System and was later one of the core documents used in setting up a kindergarten program by the Department of Public Instruction for our home state.

All six of my parents children ended up with degrees (four from Marquette). All have been gainfully employed for years and not a divorce among us!

[mu03eng]

When my oldest child was 4 months old, told my wife it was decision time, either she had to go back to work or I had to get a second job.  She said that she would go crazy if she had to stay home.  So, for the last 20+ years, my days off from the fire department have been spent as a SAHM.  Except on days after being up all night at a fire, it is easy.  I do all of the parent stuff.  I just laugh at the mom-blog stuff.

Yeah, twice a week my wife works late so I pick up the kid, do all the typical parent stuff for a 6 month old, cook dinner(sometimes poorly), and generally keep the place from burning down until the wife comes home. I love it, good chance to bond with the kid and it's important to me(not sure why at this point) that he sees that there isn't stuff that daddy does and mommy does but stuff that his parents do.

Has been a bit eye opening in the outside world how baked in the gender roles still are though. The wife had to work one Saturday so I was flying solo with the child and didn't have much planned so asked her to give me a list of stuff we needed for a grocery/Target run. Me and the kid are tooling around in Target picking up stuff, he's getting the usual attention because he's adorable. At some point a woman in her 40s I would guess comes up and wants to make faces at him, etc then turns to me and casually says "oh it's really nice that your wife let you out with him". I just stood there for a moment and finally said "yeah I know especially how I sometimes forget to breath and all" then walked away. Look I get that my wife is capable of a lot more than me generally and a better person specifically but it just annoyed me to no end the implication that somehow being a dad predetermines that you are somehow less capable of taking care of a kid than the mom is.

[tower912]

I used to get the 'oh, you're babysitting today' schtick.   My standard response was, 'no, I'm parenting.'     

[warriorchick]

I used to get the 'oh, you're babysitting today' schtick.   My standard response was, 'no, I'm parenting.'     

I know, right?  The thing is, a lot of Dads say that, too, as in "No I can't come over and drink beer in your garage.  I am babysitting the kids."

IT'S NOT BABYSITTING IF YOU ARE WATCHING YOUR OWN CHILDREN!!

[Goose]

I really am enjoying reading these posts. Have to admit that Mom's really do make the world go round. Working or staying at home I think Mom's are the greatest gift on the planet. I miss mine everyday and she has been gone 15 years.